How Are We Not Together?

Chapter Four (Nathan's P.O.V.)

I fucked up. And big time.

I always fuck up when it comes to Anna. No matter what. It always happen no matter how much I try, no matter how much I don't want her to cry. I've ditched her for my dumbass friends to go party hard, left her crying for a bottle of liquor instead, pushed her away to make room for some random girl I found half coherent at parties.

And now I've really done it. The note was proof enough that I fucked this up more than I can mend.

The only thing I can focus on now is how this all my fault, how I was the one who caused us to drift apart.

To make things worse, I went to go apologize to her, blindly running through the halls with no idea where she was. I had rounded the corner to the math hallway and there she was, laughing as if nothing had happened.

That's when Levi grabbed her hand. That's when she blushed at his simple gesture. That's when she moved closer to him.

Levi and I had been best friends since the days before Anna, back before I became attached to the girl with bows in her hair on the school bus. We were like brothers, stuck together through thick and thin. The blatant flirting with Anna sent a surge of anger through me, immediately furious that he had the nerve to hit on the girl I had liked for well over a year now.

I wanted to step forward and punch him square in the jaw, yelling that he had the nerve to hit on Anna. MY Anna. But when he looked up and caught my gaze, it all disappeared. I felt horrible for wanting to do that to my best friend, for wanting to hurt him for something that he knew nothing about. It was my own secret, something that even he didn't know.

The sight of them together was like a ton of brick thrown at me. They looked like the perfect couple. Even though I knew they weren't together, I couldn't help but feel like there wasn't much time before they did hook up. And that would confirm my biggest fear.

She doesn't like me the way I like her.

'You don't know that.'

Yes, I do. The note was enough. And now she can't even look at me.

'Do you love her?'

Well... I guess you could say that. I'm not even sure what the hell this is. I just know I can't have her mad at me.

'Then you fight for her. If not for her love, then for the chance to tell her.'

The funny thing is when someone tells you tell the person you like that you really like them, you don't realize it but you're scared shitless. I'm terrified to tell her. With other girls, a rejection is nothing, it simply gives me another chance to hook up with someone else. But with Anna, her rejection is unlike any other. Everything is in her hands, whereas usually it's all in mine. And that scares me.

I can barely focus in my English class, the memory of Anna and Levi holding hands replaying in my mind over and over again. I don't even look up when Mrs. Welsh places a class notebook on my desk, my pen barely moving across the paper as we copy the class rubric from the board.

I stand up with the mass of classmates when the lunch bell rings, hastily grabbing my stuff and throwing it into my backpack messily. I sling it over my shoulder and head out the door, nervously walking to the cafeteria with the rest of the students.

Time seems to slow and I take my time, looking around at a few freshman running to the outside quad or a sophomore couple holding hands. A few football players are leaning against the lockers talking about the big game Friday night and a few cheerleaders heading into the bathroom, talking about the football players.

Everyone seems to be having the best first day ever. The opposite of me.

As I push open the cafeteria doors, I scan the round tables for Anna, nervously tapping my fingers against my backpack strap. I finally find her, sitting at her usual table with two friends I can't remember, her laughter joining the overall noise of the room. She looks up at the doors and the moment she sees me, her eyes harden in anger, already standing. And that's when I realize, I can't fix this. It's impossible.