Making Art : Purgatory.

Rituento : Imahe - Magnus Haven

HER
"You may now kiss the bride!"
I stood there, in the first row of the pristine chapel, watching him kiss his newly-wedded wife. It stings.

I could've been the one in her place right now.
I could be her, the one he's kissing.
But I chose a different ending.
This was the outcome.
All I can do? Is to be happy for him.

As the day turns into night, the after party has started.
I was socializing with our other friends, slowly getting tipsy, when he came by and hugged all of us one by one. Happiness was evident in his face, his eyes shone like there were millions of the world's finest gems in his eyes.
All this time I thought I was the only one who made his eyes glimmer like that, turns out she could do it too and even better at it.
I started to walk away, it was too painful for me. I can't accept that he's happy with someone else, someone that isn't me. Yet he grabbed my arm, and pulled me back.

"Saan ka pupunta? Let's talk."

"Ken, not now. I don't want to talk about it." I glanced through the crowd and see her, wandering around, presumably looking for him."

"Wag ka naman ganyan. Can't you be happy for me?
Ang selfish mo ha."

"Wag mo kong sumbatan ngayon. Don't make a fucking scene. We have nothing to talk about, we tried and we failed. Can you stop making it hard for me to move on? At dito ka pa gagawa nang eksena? Mahiya ka sa asawa mo." I said through gritted teeth.
I don't want to cause a scene and see myself flash on the cover of newspapers and tabloids. You know how the media here in the Philippines is.

"3 am. Harap ng GMA. I'll see you there."

"Ang kulit mo. May asawa ka na. You can't do this to her."

"Ano bang mali dyan? She will understand."

" I know my place. Stop making it hard for me."

"Just follow what I say. See you there. No more buts and ifs."

"Ke—"

and like that, his wife came and whisked him away. She held his hand and they went back into the crowd. I excused myself from my friends and I went back to my room and packed my stuff. I could tell he saw me leave, as I turned my head around and glanced, he was looking at me.
With my things gathered, I put my things into the trunk.
Tagaytay to Quezon City would take 3 hours tops. It was 10pm. I'm sure he would forget about it.
As I drove down the chilly hills of Tagaytay and into SLEX, it was almost 11. While I moved to the beat of the music as I drove, I felt my phone buzz. I quickly glanced at my phone.
It was him.

"Papunta na ko. Wag kang aalis. Antayin mo ko."

With that, I accepted what would happen next. I thought of the meet up as our last, a final closure. Then I would remove myself from his life completely.
I put my stuff down at the condo, and removed my makeup. I will let myself be vulnerable one last time. In my hoodie and hair bun, I drove to GMA and saw him.
"Tapusin na natin to Ken. Ayaw ko na."
He nodded and got into my car.
We drove to a park and stopped.

"You look so happy with her. I'm glad you found her."

"But I was happier with you. You know that. The excitement of running around, of us being secretly together. Enjoying life together. Even if we were just labeled as best friends then, we were something more."

"We were. We were so happy, we made achievements together, we did everything together. Thats the problem. We were too together. All I wanted was a break, some time to find myself. I knew I would go back to you. You made me happy."

"Come back to me? Fuck if that's what you wanted, then why did I see you kissing someone else after you suddenly left? You wanted space, I respected that. But to see you with someone else? Tangina naman. Parang sinampal mo ko nang harapan. You could've told me you didnt like me then, instead of making me look like a lost puppy while you were with someone else. I waited for you. I waited 2 years for you. I gave you space."

"I'm sorry. Di ko sinadya yun. If i could turn back time, I would.  Alam mo naman how you made me happy. You gave me genuine happiness. All the times you were there for me, I was thankful and I loved you. I still love you. We were so good for each other, it's like the universe wanted us together."

"No, it didn't. Because if it did, we would still be together. You fucked it up. All this time, you told everyone I hurt you when it's the other way around. I kept quiet because I love you. I took all the blame even though it was you should've done that. I don't even know why I did that. I almost ruined my career because of you yet fuck, I still love you. Even if I'm with her, I still think about you. Even if you broke my heart once, i'd let you do it again. I can't get you out of my mind, Ta. I want to forget you. I want to forget the pain. Kasi masakit na oh. Masakit na masakit na."

He hit the dashboard and started screaming and crying and shaking. It pained me to see that. He never swore that much. We went from being happy together to being toxic towards one another. Its time to put an end, even if it hurts. Even it pains me to do so.

"Tama na Ken. Nasasaktan ka na. Nasasaktan na ko. I can't see you anymore. I love you, you love me. But you love her more. You know you do. You're just overwhelmed. I see the way you look at her, I know because it's the way you used to look at me. Let's be happy with our own lives. I'll disappear, don't you worry about that. I'll stay away from you. I'll keep mum."

"You're so selfish. Ang selfish mo. You know I used to think that you were the best thing that ever happened to me, even if you hurt me so many times. I still forgive you. But after all that bullshit you said, I think you might be the worst person and i'm sorry i ever met you. You play with my feelings and tell me you love me. Yet you still manage to wrap me around your finger and hurt me. I'm not a toy for you to play with and care for just when you need attention. Tao din ako. May feelings ako."

"Sabihin mo na lahat. Lahat ng sakit na ginawa ko sayo. Saktan mo ko kung gusto mo. I'm apologetic for my actions, but i'm not for who I am. People change. Feelings change. It doesn't mean that the love once shared wasn't true or real. Don't invalidate my feelings. I did wrong stuff but loving you wasn't one of them. Be happy Ken. You deserve happiness."

I kissed him on the forehead and drove him to his house.
In the awkward silence,  I prayed to God to forgive me for all the wrong things i've done to that man.  When we arrived, his wife was there, sitting on the porch, waiting for him. She smiled at me and waved goodbye. I could see her kiss him, and embrace him. I felt my heart break a little bit more.

"I just want you to be happy. Even if that happiness no longer includes me."

I went back to the condo, and tore all the pictures we had together. With all the little trinkets we had, i put them in a box. I threw the box into the bin and with a letter I wrote for him,  I drop it off at his house. I gathered my things and
booked a flight for Morocco the next morning. With everything but my soul left

Because that's what i'm good at.
Running away.

As the final call for the flight was announced, I began to line up to get into the aircraft. I felt my phone buzz in my jeans.

It was him. He read my letter.

He bombarded me with texts and calls, but I shut my phone and put my headphones on.

Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny. It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves. God paved the way, and it was up to us to write it.

It was a matter of choice, and we didn't choose each other.
I took the coward's way out, but I'll stand by it.

All I can do now, is just reminisce.