journals // c.h

week one, day two

7:09 p.m.

        I didn't go to school today. I told my dad I would walk. he left for work; I turned right back around and went home. you used to encourage me to go everyday; now I don't see a valid reason. my dad will be at 'work' all day. when he came home drunk, I used to call you. now your number is changed and I am the one drinking myself to oblivion.

10:27 p.m.

        I'm scared to admit that I miss you. and I'm scared to cry because if I start, I don't know if I'll be able to go to stop. I've called your old number too many times just to hear your voice mail. God, I wish I could just hear your voice in person one last time, to become intoxicated with something other than alcohol. and alcohol is failing to substitute the way you made me feel special. it just makes me feel lost. I miss you. but now you're gone and I feel alone as ever.

11:33 p.m.

        I'm hallucinating memories of you and I. I miss you so goddamn much. but I am grateful-- hallucinating is better than living this hell in reality. it wasn't my fault. it really wasn't, I promise. I wish I could tell you everything I've been thinking ever since you left me. but I can't. you're really gone. and I'm really lost without you.

12:49 p.m.

        my dad is home. I'm hiding under my bed and all the lights are off. I know he'll find me eventually, but I'll do anything to buy my time. you would always drive over to my house and I would leave through my window. now you're not here and I'm stuck in my own personal dangerous nightmare. I wish I could call the cops. God, do I wish I could call the police. but he would know, he would find out and I don't want to imagine what would happen. I'm still not crying. sometimes I try to cry, but no tears fall. so I sit in silence and watch the day go on without me.

3:09 p.m.

        my dad gave up on trying to look for me. but I can still hear him yelling at God knows what. I've been asking myself the same question for a couple of days now-- why me? why of all people does this disaster of a life have to happen to me? I don't understand. I wish you would come back. Please, just come back. I'm sorry.

        next chapter, calum's point of view will be included. along with some other entries he finds and flashbacks. if you're confused now, it will all tie together in the end. :)

-em