Completely On Purpose

Chapter 3

Sasuke's entire world was falling apart. He felt so safe in Naruto's arms, but he couldn't believe what Naruto had just said.

"What? I don't know what you mean."

Naruto was holding Sasuke still, even though Sasuke was crying, even though his body was shaking. "I mean, when you left, I didn't know if I'd ever trust you again."

Sasuke sucked in a sharp breath at the admission. Of course, of course not, it was so selfish to think. Here he'd been not trusting Naruto for being apprehensive about him.

"I knew I would always feel the way that I did, that I do. It was too late for me, to just not be in love with you. You're the only one for me. But, that didn't change the fact that you left, that you betrayed me. You betrayed the village, and our friends, and Sakura and Kakashi, but... me. In those moments I was most worried about me, what you did to me. You broke my heart, Sasuke. When they told us that you were officially rogue..." Naruto's voice trailed off then, and Sasuke could hear how he was starting to get a little choked up. He decided not to interrupt, to just let Naruto get it all out.

"I never thought you'd do it, really. I knew you were just bent on the hate you had for Itachi, that you had to seek vengeance. You lived for that. I lived for you. Everything you did, I was always right there, I was always so close and yet so far. And you were acting so, so fucking crazy, I didn't know who you were anymore. The only thing I knew was that you weren't the man that I loved. You were... warped. You were becoming someone else. I was afraid, and so helpless. I was never going to stop loving you, but you were becoming someone I didn't like."

Sasuke finally couldn't take it, and moved himself around so that he could look upon Naruto's face. There were tears streaking Naruto's face. Even as Sasuke tried to wipe them away, they just kept coming. It was as though the memory of who Sasuke used to be was breaking Naruto's heart all over again. Sasuke drew his lip between his teeth to keep himself from sobbing. "But I'm not like that anymore," his voice broke as he said it. One of his hands came up from where he was caressing Naruto's face to move his hair from his forehead. All of the words Naruto was saying felt like needles, knives, swords, carving him open and laying his inner emotions out for all to see.

"I know, I know you say that." Naruto breathed hard for a moment, wiped at his own face to get rid of the tears. "I want to believe you so badly, because it would just be so easy then. It wouldn't take effort. Around you, with you, is the only place I ever want to be for the rest of my life. But it isn't so easy to trust you, after the way you left. I don't think I'll ever be able to describe to you how hard it hurt me. You weren't around when I needed you the most. The only person I wanted to talk to about you leaving was you. And you were gone, gone, gone."

Sasuke watched Naruto as he spoke, the way his face moved. He was displaying a vast sequence of emotions; sad, angry, confused, apprehensive. All the while, Naruto stared at some place on the wall past Sasuke's head. Probably, looking at Sasuke would cause the dam to break. Sasuke closed his eyes again and listened.

"The Akatsuki? Of all of the things you could have done, you joined them, even as loosely as you say you were associated with them. They were trying to kill me. And you were one of them. Like... how did you think I'd feel about that? You broke Sakura's heart, too, when she heard that. She was finished with you after that, but I've never been as smart as her. My heart is stupid. My heart is in your hand." Naruto reached up into his hair to retrieve Sasuke's hand and poked a finger into Sasuke's palm. Sasuke's eyes opened to watch, before slipping shut again. It was too hard to look.

"Right there. That is me. You have me. No matter what you do. It doesn't matter."

Sasuke reached blindly for Naruto's hand and pressed it to his heart. Beating so fast, so hard, irregular. "This is you," he said quietly. "This is where you are. In my heart. I know that I was wrong, so wrong, that I did bad things. That I tried to be something I knew I couldn't sustain. I know they were trying to kill you, they started a war just to kill you and Bee and I just... sat there until the very end. I didn't know if you'd ever forgive me for leaving." Sasuke opened his eyes again, this time focusing on Naruto, who was in turn focusing on him. "I don't really know if you even have, despite what you say. Since then I have tried to be my best, be the person that I was meant to be, the person I was. I'm not sure how many redeeming qualities I have now but I—I can't lose you, ever."