Euphoria

After graduation

It's the same thing everyday. Waking up and realising you are still alive and not dead yet. I can't remember the last time I felt happy honestly. Let's just say I wasn't always like this. My whole world came crashing down when suddenly I was rushed to medical professionals. I thought there was something wrong with me. I ended up face to face with a psychologist.  I was like a doctor before this, well-admired by people, but now I am under medication. That's the thing about your mind. You can't stop it. 

There are some days you wonder the point of being alive. There's this one person I missed dearly. I am not the kind of girl that gets boyfriends. Well, he is an exception. Let's just say, I met him because of fate. He's in my class, smart, intelligent, good looking. He brings joy to my dark world. I used to like hearing his voice because it calms me. 

"It really feels like you are in constant battle with yourself. There is the person who you really are, and the part of your personality that is ill and constantly dictating what you should do" is what described my bi-polar moods. I didn't know I had bi-polar until the doctor told me. He prescribe me medications and I have been taking them ever since. 

There's also this numb feeling of living. Like you don't wanna exist anymore. But you are alive and still here. I hope for euphoria days, which contain happiness and laughter like once did. My mother was source of unhappiness. I remembered I wasn't quite happy during childhood because all she cares about are my grades like most asian parents do. 

I thought life would be interesting after graduation. I didn't expect it to be this messed up until the thought of suicide came to my mind quite frequently. I felt like a robot without a meaning in life wandering aimlessly from place to place. 

"I GO TO SEEK A GREAT PERHAPS".  but that great perhaps is killing me.