BitterSweet

Chapter 33

Maybe it's a good thing we're ending our friends with benefits relationship, that I didn't ask her to be my girlfriend. It never would've worked, it should've never started, but I knew the risks and I jumped in regardless. I just don't want to lose her, she's become so close to me these past few weeks.

"Can you honestly stand there and say you feel nothing for me?" She asks me when I say nothing.

I close my eyes, unable to look at her. I can't bear to see the look on her face because of me. She doesn't say anything more and I just shake my head because I don't know what to say. I want her to stay but it's clear she wont since I'm ... getting married. And now she's admitting to me that she loves me?! This wont work. None of this will work. But what the fuck am I going to do?! If I don't get married to Lauren, I can't start my business. But if I marry Lauren, I lose Camila. I don't want to lose her, I cant. She's become my best friend regardless of the fact that we were never really friends before the benefits started only a few short weeks ago.

The door closing breaks me from my thoughts and when I open my eyes, I see that she's no longer in the house. No! She can't leave! I rush to the door and pull it open so hard that it nearly hits the wall and then I run after her. She's putting her bag in the back seat since I closed her trunk. The rain is pouring down so we're both getting soaked.

"Camila!" I shout over the rain as I make my way to her. She shuts the back door and turns to face me as we both stand inches away from each other while the rain completely drenches us.

"Yes, okay, I have feelings for you, Mila. How could I not?"

"Then why are you doing this? Why can't we be together?"

"I need this, Camila. I've wanted it my whole life and now it's so close."

"Is it just about money to you? Does love not matter to you? I don't care if you only have a penny in your account, Shawn, I love you for you, not for what you have or can offer me. You may not have what you want but you have what you need, and you're just going to let it go? Please. Don't." 

What can I say to make her stay? What can I do? What can I offer her? I don't want her to leave me but I know she wont stay. How fucked up have I become?!

"Just wait."

"Wait?" She asks confused but also knowing what I mean.

"Wait for me."

"You expect me to wait?!"

"It wont last. It's not forever."

"I can't stay, Shawn, and I wont wait. I wont be some side piece while you're playing happy homes with some blonde bimbo you met at some bar last night."

"Please." I beg her.

Just as she said, I've come alive since I met her. She relaxes me, calms me in a way I've never felt before. I feel so much younger around her, so carefree.

She shakes her head. Knowing this will be the last time we're together, I want to hold her, smell her sweet, intoxicating scent, feel her in my arms. But every time I try to touch her, hold her, comfort her, she backs away. I just need her. I step toward her, almost expecting her to stop me but she doesn't. Instead, much to my surprise, she wraps her arms around my neck as I hold her waist. Instantly I'm relaxed, she's going to stay, she's going to stay with me because... because she... she loves me.

Looking at her lips, I want to kiss her so badly, make her forget how much of an asshole I am, how much I hurt her. But something holds me back... She said she loves me but the way she looks right now, so pained, so tortured, devastated... I think she'd push me away and I don't know if I could deal with that.