Lonely Snow

***

The wind is loud this evening. He arranges the snowflakes like an army on the tree-tops and streets, ready to attack the morning. A divine sight, a true hunter of smiles. And while the wind is working hard, the snowflakes play their games in the air, making you almost hear the noise of children playing. In such a cold, this picture warms the souls in us all, a picture we look forward to. And yet some of us will not experience this beauty. We see it, but all we feel is cold. It won't make us smile, it will not warm our souls because it's empty, rolled in darkness. Slashed and torn apart as old rags from the glassy pieces of a broken heart, there is nothing else to do except to cry and scream, trapped between the four walls of the body that acts like everything is ok. Only the eyes twitch together with the pain of the soul, acknowledging the truth only to those who have tried to look deep enough into them. Pain, the gift of truth inflicted on us unintentionally.

I'm pouring a glass of wine drinking it right away, and I am already pouring the second. No, I am pouring the first, the other one does not count. Just a need.

The snowflakes have grown in the meantime and I can already see your face in each of them. A superpower of my grief, to kill hope. I need you so much, but you are not close to me. I promised myself I wouldn't look for you anymore, but the temptation of your beauty shining in the small crystals is immense. I run away from the phone like from a huge monster that will bite me, just not to diel your number, a call I know will go unanswered. I am comforting myself with 24 hour Instagram stories where I dedicate some part of a song or some of these words that are written right here. I know you find yourself in those words and that gives me hope that the phone will ring and I will see my Christmas present on the screen, the name that I have been waiting for so long.

The snow became even more playful. And now, at this very moment, I remember that you have never danced in the snow or rain. You told me yourself. Oh, love, you don't know what you're missing out on. I wish I could ask for your hand right now for a dance. Surrounded by snow all around us, as if time had stopped, and each snowflake would turn into a falling star. You and me, alone in the world. I sip a big sip of wine and close my eyes. A moment filled with so many beautiful feelings that the roses would blossom for us alone, the small spark would blaze in to fire, and the sun would break through all the clouds just to see us in those moments. I open my eyes and you are not here. Where I could see those mesmerizing chocolate diamonds piercing through me. Wounded and enchanted, I can't look away. But you are not here. I miss you.

Staring at only one point in the room I leave my thoughts searching for you. I know where you are, I know where I can find you, and yet here I am, wrapped in a chain of stubbornness, waiting for you to find me. I left enough signs and marks for you to find me, and even more love symptoms to give you a reason. I will leave many more, perhaps in vain, but at least I will know that I have not given up on the meaning of life, that is, of you.

Why do you mean so much to me? You conquered me without even trying. And now, please, try, take me for your protector, allow me to lay down my life for you, to devote all my time in holding your hand. I had enough of drinking sorrow on my own, let me kiss you after every sip as the flames flicker in front of us. And then, gently bend your head on my shoulder while I caress your hair. Fairytale.

And now, back to reality. It's cold outside, but I don't feel it because the cold inside is much worse. I shiver on the cold and try to worm myself on a little sparkle of hope. I play another song, I know you will find yourself in it too. The sparkle lights up again, and I close my eyes, letting the picture of you guide me through my thoughts.