I never ever could imagine that I'd be sat on the living room floor between Can's legs and we'd both be crying.
Me, Yes, I thought that would be a given. But to turn my head and see tears rolling down his cheeks too makes me so sad. I half turn my body and hold his face in my hands, wiping my thumbs over the tears as they fall, just like he's done to me so many times in our past.
"I'm sorry too. We both hurt each other."
I can't help kissing his cheeks, both sides and his mouth. They turn into silly kisses, all over his face and in his soft beard, until he's grimacing and grinning. When I stop he sighs and his fingers start playing with my hair again. First gently rubbing my scalp and then pulling wavy lengths through his thumb and forefinger.
"I never thought that my leaving would be that bad for you. I thought you were done with me. I really did. We were arguing about everything. The wedding and work and nothing I did made you happy. And then that last night with Yigit, when you thought I'd put your notebook on the fire and at the hospital, where you wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't come with me. You wanted to stay with him. I felt like it was over for you and I couldn't face the rejection. "
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
"I just wanted to stay to make sure he was alright. I never wanted Yigit. I had you. He's been here this year, helping with my book. Can, look at me. I've never been like this with any man but you. If I'd wanted Yigit, we've had a whole year to do it. Be a couple. Even get married."
He holds me tight and kisses my shoulder.
"Don't say that. I can't bear the thought of him touching you, kissing you, being with you like that. You're mine!"
I haven't heard him talk about me like this for a long time.
"I was yours, but you left me, and it was like I never existed for you, and I went to pieces and it's taken so long to bring those pieces back together to produce something that resembled Sanem again, but I'm not the same as I was... Will never be the same."
"I know things are different now. YOU are different now. You wrote your book. You don't live with your parents anymore. You're a different version of you. I'm a different version of me too. I have a boat. No house, No business and the few possessions I did have, just went up in flames."
"Yet you ran into the fire and risked your life, to save this silly bandana."
I give it a tug around his forearm. He touches it, tenderly.
"Because for the whole year, I was away, I would look at it and remember it around your wrist and I'd smell it and think about the times when I'd put my nose in your neck and all the different situations we found ourselves in, fighting over it. The Archive Room, where I made you stretch up against me and you rubbed yourself on me. I saw down your shirt that day. " He smiles. "I know you did. " "Did you?" I nod. "Then it reminded me of your house, your mum and her cooking."
