Serpentine

Axl will admit, there are times when he can't stand his job.

When he has to talk to creeps who wouldn't know sexy if it slapped them in the ass... When frequent callers get attached and won't stop pestering him to meet in person... When asshole teenagers try to fucking prank call him...

But there are other times that make Axl feel like working as an operator for a phone sex line isn't a bad gig at all. Now, for example:

He's talking to a customer who introduced himself as Slash (plenty of his callers prefer to give an alias, but none as unique as "Slash" – Axl was intrigued from the start) and described himself as "21, lots of curly hair, nice lips, and into absolutely everything." Slash is pleasantly soft-spoken, and he knows how to use that sweet, boyish voice to utter positively filthy things into the receiver. Trust him, Axl knows filthy, and Slash is one of the rare customers that Axl doesn't even have to act for – his gasps and moans are as real as the hard-on he's been sporting since Slash told him all about what he wanted to do to Axl with his mouth.

About ten minutes in, Slash starts to sound a little distracted and Axl knows that's his cue to stop teasing and start bringing things, well, to a climax. "Slash, are you touching yourself? Are you imagining that it's my hand stroking you off?"

There's a beat, then a quiet huff of a laugh. "No, not yet... Uh, actually, I can't."

He can't? Well, what's Axl supposed to do with that? Hm...

"Slash, are you talking to me in public?" Axl purrs into the phone. "And here I thought you couldn't get any dirtier..."

Another short laugh, muffled like Slash ducked his head away from the phone. What the hell is so funny? Suddenly Slash isn't cooperating with him and Axl's getting just a bit frustrated... Even if Slash does have a nice laugh.

"No, I'm just in my living room. I have been told I'm pretty dirty, though." Axl can hear his smirk.

"Well then, why can't you take your cock out? Don't be shy, I want to hear you when you touch yourself. Fuck, has anyone ever told you how sexy it is when you moan like that?"

"Believe me, I want to, I'm so fucking hard for you Axl... The thing is – and I'm not making a joke, I swear!" Slash's voice is apologetic, but also faintly amused. "– The thing is, I have a snake in my lap right now."

"... Baby, I don't understand."

"A snake," Slash repeats, like Axl is five. "A Burmese python. I'm sitting on my couch and she slithered over a minute ago, while we were talking about your nipple piercing? And now she keeps trying to stick her head in my hair... Say hello, Pandora."

Axl can only imagine that Slash just held the snake's head up to the receiver.

"Oh my God."

Never before has Axl lost his customer so quickly and so completely. Sure, sometimes people chickened out halfway through, or even called just for someone to talk to, but one minute Axl had Slash completely in the palm of his hand, and now he's cooing over his pet snake? An actual, literal, snake??

This situation is not covered in the scripts.

"Sweetheart, why don't you just move the snake for a moment so we can keep going?" Axl cajoles with as much patience as he could muster.

"But she looks so comfortable..." Slash whines playfully.

That startles a laugh out of Axl. Slash just sounds too sweet... Axl has never though of a snake as cute before, but the image of Slash with his pet in his lap is just ridiculously adorable.

"Nah, but seriously though, I would except there's an issue with her tank right now. Heat lamp broke, and my living room window is the only one that gets sunlight. I guess she warmed up enough and wanted to come say hi."

"So then..."

"I guess we can't finish this." Axl is a little surprised to find that he feels just as disappointed as Slash sounds. "Damn. Some of the best phone sex I've ever had and I get cockblocked by a snake, fuckin' figures."

"You know what, in that case..." Axl knows he's about to take a stupid risk, but Slash seems like a good guy, you can trust people who care about animals, right? And it's been forever since Axl's had a really good orgasm, so can you really blame him? It may be unprofessional but in this case... it's worth a shot. "How about I give you my personal number, and you can call me sometime when you have a little more privacy so we can pick up where we left off?"

"Wait, are you serious? Yes, holy shit."

Axl confirms and rattles off his number.

"Sweet. You're not messing with me, are you Axl? This is actually your number?"

"Yeah, and if you make me regret giving it to you I swear to God I'll hunt you down and chop off your dick." Axl is dead serious but Slash just laughs; Axl's threats are obviously not enough to dampen his mood.

"No bullshit, I swear. Can I call you tomorrow night?"

"You better, you owe me for these blue balls!"

"Don't worry, I know just how I'm going to make it up to you, Axl," Slash drops back into his phone sex voice quick enough to give Axl whiplash.

"Yeah, well... I guess we'll see about that tomorrow, won't we?"