ENOUGH

Begining to an End Maybe

Days, nights, minutes, hours, seconds, years, or decades only to be destroyed in a millisecond. Love four letters simple but oh so complicated. Love has many views of what it is. To me, love is when you would do something for anyone. Love is when you let someone go that you love so much you want them to be happy even if you aren't the one making them happy. You are there for them through everything no matter how you feel sick, numb, sad, angry or nothing at all. You help them with problems they have with someone they say they love even if it sends a pain like a knife striking you through your heart as if it is being ripped apart. You can talk to them with no awkwardness or tension it's as easy as breathing when around them. You don't show how you feel because you know nothing will ever change you will never be the person they love or are holding while talking about random things. You can't say you love them because you don't want to lose them or ruin the only thing that has made them happy in such a long time. You sit and watch as they talk about the one person you could and never will be. You both have a bond that people can't ever really begin to understand because it may seem like you both are a couple even though you're not. Even when you tell them that you like them more than a friend and they tell you they don't you bury everything inside so you can't feel the pain. Even when you feel they don't really consider how you feel or what you would feel you still stick around to make sure they are okay. You stick around to make sure that nothing happens to like things from the past. You worry that something is going to happen and the past is going to repeat itself. You think about them and if they are okay because you can't stand the thought of them ever being hurt. You cry and cry until you text someone who is like your family to talk to them but it still doesn't help. You message them crying your eyes out to the point that you have a migraine and after talking to them you feel like a weight was lifted because deep down you wanted to talk to them, to begin with, because you know they could help because they know how it feels. You are around them every day and every day feel like you're becoming a ghost closing off until you're numb on autopilot.  They make you smile even when on the inside you wish to cry until you fall asleep or pass out from it all. You know you should go away from it all leave it but you can't because you don't and could never hurt them because you care so much that you love them and only want them happy even if it makes you unhappy and is killing you slowly on the inside. Even when you're slowly dying on the inside you won't let go or leave because they need you and deep down you know they need you. You don't truly know you think that they care but can never truly know because you can't read their mind and to an extent, you don't want to because you know what you'll find. The only thing you can think is 'do they care for me the way I care for them' a thought and questioned that is unanswered that shall probably remain unanswered for eternity. If only you knew so you could prepare and save the last remaining part of sanity and part of your self you have before it's all gone. You lose yourself caring and loving them that you can't find light in the dark or see anything. You live in darkness hoping the light will find a way to you. It's like your underwater trying to breach the surface hearing everything and seeing everything but not clearly only through the water where the image can break as waves ripple once you break through the surface. Love is unconditional yet unrequited to you. "Sometimes the questions are complicated but the answers are simple" complex things have the simplest of solutions only it's hard to find them and solve them. I love only to get hurt. I love to help them only to hurt and cry thousands of tears wishing for something different. I love questioning myself only to not find an answer. I love them to the point it hurts but now the pain is only a dull ache a mere and far memory becoming less and less each day. I push through day by day because the pain helps me to know what to do or how to help. I help them no matter what I put them first before myself because that's all I've known and all I've ever done or probably ever do. Loving someone and caring come as one. Loving is caring, doing, making sure, and being the person who can do all the things to make them happy and be there when they need it. Truly loving someone is letting them know you will not leave them even in the darkest of times. Loving someone and breaking after doing so is the hardest thing of all because you lose who you are in the middle of it all. You forget who you were, what you were or are, you become something else, someone, you don't recognize anymore and have to search for that person you were before. Expectations to reality are where we get broken at. You want something but in reality, you can't always have what you want no matter how much you want it or how good the reason is you just can't. I have had ENOUGH of being a background of feeling I don't matter that I'm only the person who helps with something. I want to be loved instead of loving then becoming nothing being on autopilot. I want to feel free from my thoughts. I want to not cry because I feel like I'm falling apart. I want to not cry because I'm hitting but everyone thinks I am happy and fine when I am not. I want love I want to be LOVED. Love the simple four-letter word described by the heart as an emoji. My heart of love is black because that's how I feel. I relate to the black heart it may seem like something sad but black shows how everything comes together to form one. Every color once mixed together forms black. It can also mean chaos so many things that no one can show through like my heart and feelings. I have them but they don't show so it may seem but they do and to that person, they can never see how much I show because of the fake smile the fake tough the fake I'm fine. You can't see through. Black is the color I use and it means I do love you even if you can't seem to see it no matter how much I wish you could. I love you even if I'm broke and you can't see im hitting I will be there for you no matter what and will love you no matter what because I care so deeply and always will. I want you happy even if I cant. Heartbreak may seem like it's not real but when you cry and see someone who you care so deeply about finding the person they say I love you so much it hurts. Loving only to be put as a background in a picture never truly knowing if they care or ever cared us heartbreak something that changes you day by day, second by second, minute by minute, year by year until you are different and immune to it all. It hurts but will get better it will take time and only time can help heal what was broke it cant mend only help you try to piece back some of you that got broke. I know it's the beginning to an end only I hope you can stop it before it becomes an end to a part of you that you know like I have done. Love is heartbreak it is a bullet to glass.