i'll be okay (i promise) | hayley leblanc

🦔 - one

hi! thanks for reading my story!
quick author's note: julianna is 16 and hayley is 12.
the leblancs live in maryland and they still vlog, although hayley goes to 'real' school. jules is homeschooled — it's basically like in 2016 when hayley wanted to go back to school, it's as if it's still the same except they never went to la.

hayley

my cousin died when i was five. it was an accident, really. he was only ten and something got caught around his neck.

my brother died when i was seven. he had this heart disease that runs on my mom's side of the family, and even though we always got our hearts checked, it somehow went undetected. it wasn't anyone's fault — the first symptom, especially in young boys, was sudden death.

so, i've been exposed to death since i was little. you'd think at this point i'd be desensitized to it, like i didn't fear it anymore because i've had two of my closest relatives die. maybe that was a little true, i always joked about death with my sister and my friends. but it was also my coping mechanism; being funny kept me from upsetting myself, it calmed me down when i'm anxious.

sometimes i'd mess with my sister, we'd pretend to wonder who the next person in our family would be to drop dead. it sounds insensitive, i know, but it helped us deal with it. perhaps, to feel in control for once?

i didn't realize just how close to home that seemingly harmless joke would soon hit.

-

i twirled my pencil between my fingers as my english teacher talked about a writing assignment we had to do; it would be due at the end of the week.

write a poem about something that scares you.

i sighed, opening my notebook to a blank page and put my pencil to it. i wanted to start it now so i could get it over with. there was just one tiny problem: my mind was completely blank. what scared me?

suddenly someone came to the door and gave my teacher a note, and she looked over at me when she read it. "hayley."

"hm?"

"your mom's here to pick you up, she's in the office."

"oh, okay."

why was my mom picking me up early? school wasn't over for, like, four hours. was something wrong? the last time i got picked up early from something was when i was seven — i was at gymnastics and my mom came running in crying and she grabbed me by the arm. the next thing i knew, we were at the hospital and i was saying goodbye to my brother.

i definitely could feel those same nerves as my heart was pounding, but i tried to mask it with a straight face that made it seem like i was fine, i wasn't worried. i grabbed my books and carried them into the hallway, finding my locker to get my backpack and put the books away. i slung my bag over my shoulder and started my way to the office, where i saw my mom texting somebody on her phone.

"mommy, what happened?" i bit my lip. "why are you here? is something wrong?"

"it's fine, nobody died this time," my mom laughed a bit, trying to ease the tension. she joked about it too, sometimes. it's a coping mechanism, i tell ya! "julianna's in the hospital, she got hurt."

"y-you came to get me from school because.. jules got hurt? b-because she broke her foot or something? seriously, are you sure nobody died?"

"it's not like a broken bone, i-it's a different kind of hurt," my mom shrugged, taking my hand. "let's just go, c'mon hay."

"why are you holding my hand? i'm twelve, i'm not a baby," i mumbled. my mom just laughed as we got to the car and we climbed in, strapping our seatbelts on. i sighed, going onto my phone and texting alexa as my mom started to drive to the hospital.

hayl 💫
lol my sister's in the hospital but she's not dead
i see this as an absolute win

alexa 🤍🤍
omg hay
stfu i hate u so much

hayl 💫
i thought u loved my dark humor 🥺

alexa 🤍🤍
no i do!!! it's just a lot to take in sometimes
how tf do u joke about death so easily
does death not terrify u???!!!!

write a poem about something that scares you.

hayl 💫
believe me lexi it scares me so much
it's not as scary when i'm a CoMeDiAn 🤪

maybe that's what i could write my poem about. how death scares me, but when i joke about it, i feel more in control. i'll work on it later — right now, my focus was on jules.

i just wanted her to be okay.

im suffering from writer's block
thats why this isnt that long okay
pls dont hurt me im sensitive ;___;