at war with myself // phan oneshot

at war with myself.

Dan walked aimlessly around the apartment that he owned with his partner, his fingers constantly pulling at his sleeves as he fought against the urges that plagued his mind. The urges were easier to control when he was in the company of Phil or others, but since he had been left alone for the weekend, while Phil was visiting his family, they had been harder to ignore.

He continued his walk around the apartment until his feet stopped in front of the bathroom, where he had spent most of his night before he started to wonder about; trying to clear his head and push aside the dark thoughts. But staring at the razor he had left out on the edge of the sink; he knew that he could no longer fight. He had spent so many years trying to fight for his life, against his own mind, but Dan was now exhausted.

There was never a moment of peace inside his own mind. Every second, of every day, he had to listen to the several voices, all with different thoughts and opinions, scream. Standing in front of the mirror, Dan made eye contact with the dead eyes that were staring back at him. It looked as if he no longer had any life left in his body, just a hollow shell of a man.

Taking his eyes away from his reflection, he watched as his fingers played with the razor. Making sure the bathroom door was closed, giving him an extra sense of privacy, he slid down the sink cabinet. Rolling up his sleeve and revealing countless little white lines scattered on his wrists, he pressed the smooth edge of the metal into his pale skin. Closing his eyes, he felt his skin open and the blood start to surface as he slowly dragged it across his arm.

With each slice he made, one by one, the voices in his head vanished. He continued making cut after cut until his vision blurred and his body grew too weak to hold the razor. A soft smile graced his lips as he watched the way the crimson red from his slashed arm formed a puddle on the white tile. His arms laid limp by his sides and his head hit the back of the cabinet.

Dan kept his eyes on the ceiling above him as his vision started to darken around the corners. Images of Phil flashed before him and he wished that he had wrote a letter for his love. He wanted Phil to know that what he had just done wasn't his fault and that he was the reason that Dan had even survived this thing he called his life for so long. He should have explained that the war inside his head was too much and he had finally lost his battle, the darkness consuming the last bit of light he tried so hard to protect.

Seeing Phil's smiling face before him, Dan felt the guilt and the shame weigh on his shoulders. Knowing that he was leaving behind the love of his life, and that he was going to be the one to find him dead in the apartment that they had filled with love and so many good memories. "I'm sorry," Dan mumbled before his entire vision was taken over by darkness.

-

Phil slid his key into the lock of his apartment and pushed opened the door, a smile on his face. "Dan, I'm home!" he shouted excitedly as he dropped his bag by the front door and walked deeper into his home.

Not hearing a response back, he wondered to the bedroom; thinking that maybe Dan had decided to catch up on some sleep. Frowning when he saw the empty bedroom, he checked their office next. When the office was also empty, he pulled out his phone to call Dan.

As he dialed the number and put the phone to his ear, his eyes caught glimpse of a light shining from under the bathroom door. Pocketing his device, he made his feet move. An unsettling thought clouded his mind and his stomach twisted into a knot as he neared the door and slowly turned the handle.

Taking in a deep breath and closing his eyes, he pushed opened the door. When he had gathered the courage to reopen his eyes, the sight in front of him made his heart break. "Oh, god." He dropped to his knees.

He quickly grabbed the towels they kept hung up on the rack and applied them to Dan's open flesh, trying to stop the blood from coming out. Tears took over his vision, but he managed to dial and call for help, his arms wrapping around Dan and hugging his almost lifeless body to his. "It's okay. Y-You're okay,"

Phil rocked the two of them back and forth, mumbling over and over that everything was going to be okay, even if he doubted that they would be. He couldn't lose Dan, the man he had planned on spending the rest of his life with. The future that Phil had envisioned for the two of them was quickly slipping from his grasp the longer he sat there with Dan bleeding out on their bathroom floor.

It wasn't much longer until Phil heard footsteps rushing through his home and two paramedics appeared in the doorway. All he could do was watch from the sidelines as they loaded Dan onto a stretcher, placing an oxygen mask over his face and trying to keep the pressure on his wrists, with a steady stream of tears falling down his face. "Please, please, save him," he begged as he followed them out of the apartment and into the ambulance.

When they had gotten to the hospital, Phil screamed and pleaded with the people holding him back as Dan was rushed away from him and disappearing behind the ER doors. He collapsed to his knees and sobbed into the nurse's shoulder that was trying to comfort him.

The hours passed by with no update on how Dan was doing. Phil stayed seated in one of the uncomfortable chairs they had in the waiting room, his phone in his hand and swiping through the many pictures he had of the two. More and more tears leaving his eyes the longer he looked at the pictures of Dan smiling, thinking that he would never get to see that smile in person anymore.

Just as he started to picture a life without the brunette, an older guy in a white jacket and clipboard in hand was waking towards him and telling him that he could go back and see Dan; now that he was stable and awake. He wiped the tears away from his face before he was racing to the room that contained his beloved.

Stopping in the doorway of the white room, a sob of joy tore through him at the sight of seeing Dan awake. The brown eyes, with tears of their own, that he thought he would never see again staring back at him. He stepped into the room and took Dan's face in his hands before he crashed his lips into his.

"I thought I was going to lose you," he cried when he pulled away from his lips, forehead resting against Dan's. "I was so scared I was going to have to go through the rest of my life without you. I can't do this without you."

Dan bit his lip to keep in his cries, his heart breaking at the state that he had put Phil in. "I-I'm so sorry. Please forgive me," his voice cracked, and the heart wrenching sobs that he tried to hold back came out.

Phil buried his face in Dan's shoulder, soaking his hospital gown with his tears. "We'll get you help, okay? We're going to get through this. Just please-please don't ever leave me. I need you. I love you, Dan."

"I love you, too, Phil," he wrapped his untouched arm around Phil, holding him as tight as he could; the same guilt and shame he felt before he passed out weighing on him even heavier than before.