My Empty Soul

My empty soul
Part 1
Maybe deep down in me, something is broken ,  I try, I really do.
But no matter how hard I try, it's unmovable, I wanna feel that butterflies that people talks about... But I can't.
Or maybe I haven't found that special someone to direct my soul to love and know what it meant to be loved.
I choose to be single , cause I'm sick and tired of pretending , that i'm happy or that I'm in love.
I understand what love means and how one feels when one fall in love.
Cause I have read more than thousand of book, and each one with different definition, but similar to one and other..
But once upon a while I used to feel that joy in love, the fun and the memories we created I love them..
I push people , but I've no idea why, only the thoughts of them deserve so much more than me..
And I walked away or give them reason to walk away. Isn't cause I don't need them, or their absence will not be missed, it will so very much, but I will do everything in my power to block it out  .. And i end up  destroying every bit of love in my soul.. Leaving me in the darkest center...
I think I don't deserve love, cause I don't have what it takes for me to risky anything for anyone ... I'm too afraid to be on the wrong path or give all , to get nothing ..
People don't understand me, cause I'm not their daily book to read and understand

My empty soul
Part 2
I'm a difficult package
You won't understand.
I love me , but I sometimes don't understand me and the way I act.
I act like it doesn't bother me, but it does and it slowly killing me.
I pretend not to see it,but I see it, and I don't forgive, cause when you say you truly forgive , you let go of everything pain anyone has done to you.
But i don't, every details is inside my head , it like a machine inside of my head that store data of every event.. That keeps me from moving on, I love the idea of payback, but I don't actually do the payback facially, I do it inside my head.
I have loved once , or maybe twice or maybe it wasn't love, it was lust , but whatever it's , it feel good and I was happy and I felt loved. But then , just like an electric struck .
All that went away.
I hate it, when I trust someone and they broke my trust , I can't never forgive or move on from that, cause every time you try to get close , your mistrust keep popping up, and I can't never be myself with you like I used to.