6 years

Chapter 3

You know that old saying, "Most

people break their own hearts," used to

be a lost cause statement- but now it

makes perfect sense.



High expectations and false predictions

is what tore me to pieces. Constantly

thinking of what we could be,

constantly reminding myself of feelings

that were never there, constantly over

analyzing every message; every word

spoken.

Pouring out every nerve, every

emotion I had ever been given into a

boy who took that as an option to rip

me to shreds; without feeling a single

thing.



When I was 12, I started writing about

him. The only person I could tell was a

14 inch, wide rimmed journal which

held everything; every tear, every

emotion, every circumstance,

everything. It was the only way I could

prevent my insides from collapsing

everytime I heard his name.





* May 3rd, 2012 *


My pulse was racing and my insides

colliding as I roamed the hallways of

my tiny middleschool. Throughout

every footstep, I was engraving four

words into my mind whilst entering my

homeroom; "Don't look at him. Don't

look at him. Don't look at him."

A loud smack behind me made me

jump, pushing my mind back into

reality. I turned around to find a yellow

calculator in a billion pieces, my

calculator. I groaned quietly and

proceeded to clean up the clumsy mess

I made.


After about 3 minutes of blocking the

hallway, and drowning in pure

humility, I resulted into leaving the pile

of metal on the floor.

"I'll buy a new one," I huffed and

hurried to class before the late bell.

I kept my head down as I walked into

class; being sure to not look in the

fourth row. My heart was jumping out

of my chest, my whole body was

shaking, and it was becoming harder to

breathe; something that had become a

daily routine since I saw his name on

my homeroom roster, on the first day

of school. I slowly made my way to my

seat in the third row.

The whole class period was full of

shaking hands and repeated attempts

to pay attention.

"For the next two weeks we will be

completing a project. You and a partner

will be creating a calender, and creating

and labeling birthstones for each

month. Include a mood and color that

describes the emotion for each month.

The person sitting behind you will be

your partner."

I groaned to myself as I realized that

I didn't necessarily have any friends in

this class. From the first day, I had

never really bothered to make any

friends, considering I had no sort of an

outgoing personality. I was content

with the little friends I had.

I snapped out of my thoughts and

began to turn around to examine my

partner. Just as my eyes moved

towards the desk behind me, I sucked

in a sharp breath as my eyes caught the

smile that tore me to shreds.