jeongmin one shot

You're my 3am thought

When Jimin went out for a drink with his best friend, he didn't expect his night to end with him calling his ex of a year and a half, baring his heart open and crying his eyes out as he says everything he never thought he'd say. Yet, here he is.

He picks up his phone shakily and dials the familiar number, watching as it goes to voicemail.

"Hi, baby..."

His voice cracks at the pet name, as a harsh reminder of how he's not allowed to use it anymore.

"I don't really know why I'm calling you right now. I mean, I do know why I just don't know why I chose right now as the time to do it. I suppose everyone has a breaking point and I guess this is mine. I-I just wanted to say I miss you so much, all the damn time. There, I finally said it. I've been waking up every day saying to myself I'm going to be okay, that even if we're done, I'm not done, that I'm still breathing and my life needs to keep going, but I'll tell you that lately, it feels like I'm not even breathing anymore"

He hiccups and that serves as a reminder of how out of it he actually is, drunk dialing his ex of a year and a half now crying and saying all the things he buried inside and hid so well, he almost forgot he felt it.

"It feels like I'm lying to myself every single time I tell myself I can get over you and be okay again. Like I don't even know what being okay means anymore. I think I'm okay and when I'm least expecting it, it hits me hard how not over it I am. The last time was about three months ago when I was at the club with Tae and I got too drunk, much like today actually, and started crying and couldn't stop, right there in the middle of the dance floor. I kept calling for you and saying how bad it hurt, you weren't there. Pathetic, I know. If you were here right now you'd be saying I'm veeeeery dramatic, in that tone, you know the one...but the thing is, you're not here. And it hurts, It hurts so fucking bad Jeongyeon-ah. Your silence hurts me, always has. I'm sorry I wasn't enough, I'm sorry loving you wasn't enough to make you stay, I'm sorry you didn't let me in enough and I'm sorry I'm not around right now. I'm sorry I let you go when all I wanted was to hold on. But if it makes you feel any better, I don't think you really care but still, I haven't figured out what hurts the most yet, holding on to us or letting go, remembering or forgetting, you know?"

Jimin pauses and takes a breath, not sure how it feels so easy to spill every single thing he's been thinking as if he was talking to himself or simply writing in his journal. He is very sure this is going to the top 5 things he regrets doing the most during his life as soon as morning comes. He keeps going anyway.

"I'm really angry at you most of the time, too. I'm angry because my family misses you a lot, they adored you so much, Mom and Jihyun ask about you all the time and I can't even give a satisfactory answer and I can't tell them how you are because I don't know myself. It also feels like you ruined me for everyone else too, because I've been trying Jeongyeon-ah, and when I say trying I mean really fucking trying multiple times, but no one has ever even come close. I've tried partying, sleeping around, going on dates, actual relationships. I can't feel anything real for anyone anymore, it seems. I try and try but I never feel enough to keep going, you know?"

He runs a tired hand through his face and cleans up the leftover tears on his bottom lashes.

"Also, I'm angry because you turned me into such a crier. I was never one to cry easily, you know that too, but when it comes to you I feel like a broken tap, honestly, and it feels so pathetic. That's what I would call myself if I could see it from the outside perspective. Just that one idiot that can't move on with his life after a breakup, holding on to an ex he knows doesn't give two shits about his feelings. Don't get me wrong, but I know you don't really care. I'm being very selfish and calling you right now because I don't know how to handle all of these feelings myself anymore, okay? I need you to know how I feel, at least. You've always known just the right way to hurt me and I know this time you're not doing it on purpose, you're just living your life and moving on, just like I should be doing. But this is what I don't get. Tae always tells me that strong connections between people are never one sided, you know how philosophical he gets when he wants to. I don't think that's true. I can see from a distance how well you're doing, but I can't seem to fucking move from where I'm stuck. I'm really afraid I'll never love again, did you know that? Because I am. I'm afraid I'll never love anyone else the way I loved you. Know what they say about first loves right? That they last forever? I think I believe it now."