Happy New Year.
“Oh my god. He’s dead” she said. Then the silence hit.
Diary Entry #1.
16\1\93
It’s been just over two weeks since Zach died. I’m not taking it very well. These fourteen days have been the worst days of my eighteen years alive. Zach was not only my best friend of ten years, but he was also my boyfriend of two. I’ve been crying myself to sleep every night and have had nightmares of what had happened on that horrible and life changing night. This was by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to face. When the person you love and care about most is ripped from you it’s never going to be easy. But I feel I’ve handled everything very badly. Even under the circumstances.
After Zach had passed away, I changed into a completely different person and I’m not proud of it. I really wish I had done things differently. I would if I could, but the shock of seeing him during his last moments, and then him leaving forever really got to me. I went home that night and locked myself in my room. I cried all night and went through all our stuff, our photos, the presents he got me and even our messages. I really loved him, in fact I still do, but it feels so pointless now knowing I can’t see him again.
When I finally tried to sleep it was 4am. I just lay there, sobbing, wetting my sheets. By the time I got even a minute of sleep it was 7am. But it didn’t last long. I was woken by the images of what had happened that night. Everything was repeated and I had to live through it once again. This was definitely the worst experience of my entire life. It’s probably a silly idea to write this all down, because I have to think about what happened and go through the pain for the millionth time, but my physiatrist says it would be a good idea, a way to relive my pain and help me through this. I’m not sure if she’s right, but I may as well give it a go. It can’t hurt too much.
Diary Entry #2
17/1/93
Well, she wanted me to explain how it all happened. I don’t really know why, I know perfectly well what happened, but she thinks writing it will help with my pain. So here I go I guess.
Myself and my four best friends had gone away and spent a week camping down by the beach. We went away to celebrate the new year, but never expected it to end like this.
It was an amazing few days, the weather was warm and the sun was out. We went to the beach every day and on New Year’s Eve we all went to a local beach party. It was the best party we had ever been too. There were so many people, really loud music, lots of food and different types of drinks. We partied all night, met new people and one of our friends, Sophie even got a few sneaky kisses from a very attractive man. And honestly, that’s how it all started…
After the fireworks were over, Sophie and her ‘friend’ for the night thought it would be a great idea to go out to celebrate the New Year. They were planning on going to another party, on the opposite side of the town. Her friend (Jake) told us all that his best mate was the person running the party. He guaranteed us that it would be so much fun and it would be the best way to bring in the New Year. All we had to do was drive 20 minutes to get there. We all agreed to go, even though none of us were sober… well at least that’s what we found out later…
Jake had told us that he had nothing to drink that night. To us he didn’t seem drunk, but we had only just met him. It was such poor judgement on our behalf, and I really regret getting into his car that night. I knew Zach didn’t really want to go to this party, and that he just wanted to spend the rest of the night with me on the beach, but I still asked him to come. It was definitely the worst decision of my life.
**
We all piled into the car and Jake was behind the wheel. He kept saying how ‘sick’ the party was going to be, and told us we’d be there within 15 minutes. We all began to get a bit excited. We played really loud music and every now and then Jake would speed up, giving us all a rush of excitement…. What a stupid idea that was.
After about 10 minutes of exciting driving and singing along to the loud music, something went wrong. Jake had decided that another ‘exciting moment’ was due, and revved the car. We powered ahead, and we were all screaming. But not out of joy. Out of fear. We had realised at the last second that there was a corner coming up. Jake did everything he could to turn the car, but it didn’t happen. We crashed. Really badly. The car flipped, turned and crashed right into a pole on the side of the footpath. We were all so scared and made our way out of the car. When we all got out, everyone was laughing the crash off and running around like maniacs. Then I realised that Zach wasn’t there with us. Out of shock I started screaming his name. Our friend Leanne looked straight back at me and then checked the car. She looked back and signalled Sophie to come over, and I began to worry. The looks on their faces were horrible, full of fear. Everyone was still going crazy and I could over hear what Sophie had just said to Leanne. “Oh my god, he’s dead”. Everyone had stopped with those words. The street fell silent, and I slowly fell to the ground and cried.
Diary Entry #3
30\1\93
It’s been a while since I wrote my dairy. But I didn’t have anything to write. I had already told the story so now I had nothing to write. Sarah, my physiatrist said she wants me to write down how I feel. But I honestly didn’t know how I felt. I knew I felt horrible, but everything else was such a mixed emotion. So I just left my diary. I have only come back to say, that I don’t think I can stay here anymore. I can’t keep staying here. Not where he left me. So in front of me lies a plane ticket to England. I am going over there, and I am hoping to start a new life. Move on and hopefully forget about everything. No one thinks I’m making the right choice, but I think I am, and I guess I won’t ever really know until I’m there.
I won’t ever forget Zach, and I won’t ever stop hurting. But I can try move on and be happy, and I think this is what I need. To move away, be distracted and start a brand new life…
