Esme's Long Lost Daughter

Five

TW

I held my child in my arms. I couldn't wrap the concept that she was gone around my head. They had to take her to the morgue but I could hold her for a little while longer. I still have no idea how they didn't catch her illness sooner. If they did she would still be here in my arms this very moment. "I love you my little Izzy," I whispered and held her close to my body tears fell down my cheeks. I will be able to take her home and plan a funeral. You never should have to plan a funeral for your own daughter. I didn't want to do this, fuck I don't know how I'm going to do this. 

I kissed my baby girls head one last time and laid her down in the crib. I held onto her tiny hand until a nurse came into the room. 

"I'm ready," I whispered. "No discharge papers I just want to go," I looked down avoiding eye contact. 

"We need to give you the death certificate and some papers to fill out before you can leave ma'am." 

"Why can't I leave peacefully?" I asked pain in my eyes. I just wanted to leave this wretched hospital and never come back until I have to pick up my cold baby's body.   

"Its instructions on how to pick up your child and different options with cremation, wait till you have a casket or just a-"

"A what?" I hissed at her becoming snappy. 

"A box miss," she said looking down. 

"Let me sign the papers and go," I said through my teeth. 

She nodded tense handing me them to me. Quickly I signed them and she handed me a form which was her death certificate. "Can I go now?" I asked. 

"Yes miss," the nurse said. 

I grabbed my bag and wiped my eyes and left. I walked to my car alone. Alone. No crying baby. No Izzy. Just me, alone. 

I got into the car and I immediately hit the steering wheel over and over again violently. I couldn't control myself. All that was going through me was anger, sadness, frustration and pain,  pain, pain, and pain.  "Why is this happening to me god?" I asked looking up at the roof of the car. "What did I deserve for my child to die? You put me through so much pain with my husband now this? WHAT DID I DO WRONG?" I screamed at the top of my lungs hitting the steering wheel once more. Tears were violently streaming down my cheeks, I could barely see, but I started the car anyway. I pulled out of the hospital and drove fast, as fast as my car could go, to my house. Maybe I would die too. Get into a car crash. Then I could be with Izzy again. But no, nothing happened on the way home. I was perfectly fine no accidents, nothing. I didn't die. This isn't right. I shouldn't be without my daughter. 

I parked the car nearly slamming into the garage. I ran inside and went to Izzy's bedroom. I sat on the rocking chair taking a stuffed animal that she slept with for the first three nights of her life. I hugged it close. "I'm so sorry baby girl," I whispered. 

I had to tell my sister. 

I stood up and walked to the kitchen and took the phone dialing her number. "Hello," my sister said. 

"Hello," I said my voice breaking. 

"Esme whats wrong?" Claire asked. 

"Shes gone?" 

"Who's gone?" She asked. 

"Izzy. She's gone. She didn't make it." 

"Wait what?! Honey no please tell me you're lying," Claire said. 

There was a long moment of silence while I wept. "My child is gone. Izzy is gone . I watched her die. I watched them call the time of death. I HAVE THE FUCKING DEATH CERTIFICATE IN MY HANDS" I screeched at her.

"No, no, no, no Esme I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry. Do you want me to come over?" she asked. 

"No," I shook my head. I want to be alone," I looked down. 

"You really shouldn't be alone during this time," Claire told me. 

"I want to be alone Claire," I hissed. 

"Okay. If you need ANYTHING, I mean ANYTHING call me. I'll be here." she said. 

"Thank you," I said and hung up the phone. 

I knew what needed to be done. I wanted to be with my daughter. I has to be done. 

I brought the teddy bear with me and went to the car. I drove in complete silence holding the teddy bear for four hours. I parked in an empty lot of cars and brought the teddy bear with me. I began walking the trail. 

I know what has to be done. I need to be with my child. 

Shakily, tears falling I walked in silence. The teddy bear was secure to my chest. I smelt the ocean. I was getting close. 

I know what has to be done. I need to be with my child. 

I could see light now. 

I finished the trail looking down  at the ocean. The view point soon to be my death. No one will know. 

"I'm so sorry baby girl, If I knew you were sick I would've taken you in sooner. I'm so sorry. I'm going to be with you soon my little on," I said as I looked up at the sky. 

I stepped over the little barrier. I closed my eyes and held the teddy bear to my chest. 

1... 2... 3... 

And I jumped.