life without me

chapter 1

            My life. Where do I start? I guess from the beginning. I was born on May 19, 1996 in New York City. My dad was away on a business trip when mom went into labor with me. We lived in the Bronx until I was five then moved to Los Angeles when my dad got an offer to be lead surgeon for a new hospital being built. I guess you could say that I came from a family of money. I always saw how hard some people lived and I was glad that I didn’t have to go through any of that. 

       Once we moved to L.A. I was so excited. I went from living in a building that was surrounded by noise and smoggy air to a huge house with a beach five minutes away. Who wouldn’t love that? Plus it was always warm and sunny. I lived there until this morning when I died. Now I can go anywhere that I want to. I guess that is the only positive thing about being dead. I can go anywhere I want. I can even go into the past and relive memories that seemed to be long forgotten. The downside is the fact that I am dead and that I can’t have sex. Which sucks really bad. Also I can’t see Ryan. That is what is really killing me right now (no pun intended).

            Now that I am thinking about Ryan, I might as well tell you how I came out. You know, it is always scary coming out to anyone. When I started high school I was closeted and scared. I didn’t tell anyone that I was gay because I was afraid of what people might do. Back then I actually gave a shit. Now I don’t.

            Going into high school I had a good amount of friends. That all changed one day when they decided that they could just leave me in the dust and not even say goodbye. I literally had no one that I called my friend except for one person halfway through my freshmen year. That was probably one of the saddest moments of my life.

            Ryan was in his sophomore year and played on the football team. He also had a very attractive girlfriend. I was sitting alone at lunch one day when he asked if I had anyone to sit with.

“no.” I said looking down at my lunch

“Then come sit with my friends, we have an extra seat” he insisted.

“No...” I hesitated “I am good here.”

“Fine” he shrugged “I tried I guess.”

“You can always come sit with us when you decide to change your mind” he proclaimed

“thanks.” I whispered.

            See it’s not like I didn’t want to sit with him. I was just afraid toBack then I was shy. I didn’t like to talk to people and I tried to avoid as much conflict as I could. I hate the old me and to be honest I kind of hate the new me and what caused me to change. . He was so attractive and I didn’t want to make it obvious that I was indeed attracted to him.  He was tall, somewhat bulky, had brown hair and the most beautiful blue eyes. The color of his eyes were like that of the sea on a clear day.

            I sat alone for three days after Ryan asked if I wanted to sit with him. His table was across from mine and I contemplated going and sitting with them. I guess he got annoyed by the fact that I didn’t eventually sit with him because one day he just left his table and sat right next to me.