I don't even know

I guess im actially going to do this, huh.

It's late on a school night. I'm laying down, phone in hand, typing out some random shit about myself on a platform for people with stories. Except I don't have any stories. I don't even know if I'll publish this or if anyone will read it if I do. I just want to let some things out.

I am empty.

Sure, I go out, I hang out with friends, I watch movies and tv shows with my parents and dance to music when it's playing. But I don't really feel anything while it's happening. I just can't register what's going on and try to feel like I "did" when I go back and remember.

I am insecure.

I hate myself. I hate myself because of what I think others think of me. And I hate that I care about everyone's opinions. I hate my appearance. "Your body is a temple. Worship it" people say, but they don't know how hard it is to worship what you hate. I hate how when I look at other girls, I get instantly jealous and wish I was them. I hate my large teeth, my fat stomach and prominent double chin. I hate that I make myself look like this, that's its my fault because I binge eat sometimes.

I hate how rude I can be to other people sometimes. Maybe this is why I'm alone. Maybe this is why no one will love me. Maybe if I change who I am.. but I can't.

I need help.

I just never know how to ask.

I hate that I think I have problems. Because I know I have it way better off than others. My problems aren't a cause of concern because they're not important.

I hate that I'm writing this here. On fucking Wattpad of all things. This platform isn't a fucking therapy session. It's where people get creative with their fan fictions and original stories. I don't belong here, yet here I am.

I don't belong anywhere really.

I feel like if anybody reads this, they'll think I'm just angsty and looking for attention. But maybe if I put what I feel out there, maybe I can feel a little better about myself. Knowing others know what I am feeling could be a relief.

Maybe I'll learn to actually love myself.

Maybe one day, I'll look in the mirror and love what I see in front of me.

Maybe one day I won't have to pretend to be happy all the time for everyone's sake.

Maybe one day i won't have anymore problems.

That day isn't today.

How about tomorrow?