Misery

I over think. I over think way too much, actually. And that right there messes everything up. Once I see or hear something, I can’t help but wonder. I wonder until I cause myself to go nuts. I don’t know what to believe. I have a hard time believing anything anyone tells me anymore. I don’t trust anyone and I do have my reasons.

I give people more chances than they deserve. I’m too forgiving and I believe everything someone tells me. I ruin everything and I don’t think anyone deserves to have their life ruined by me. I’m worthless and no one truly loves me. It's so hard to trust anyone.

I want to, I really do. I just… don’t know what, or who, to believe anymore.

Maybe I should just put an end to everything. Put myself out of this misery.

I can only try though. I’m too scared to actually take that step. That final push to actually kill myself. I think of my brothers and sisters, my parents. Everyone.

That’s my worst fear. Actually getting the courage one day to finally do it. To set myself free of this horrible life that I dare call my own. I wouldn’t wish this upon anyone, even my worst enemies.

Maybe they were right. Telling me how silly things were. How I shouldn’t believe it, but I did anyway.

I give to many people my forgiveness and in return the do it more and more, because they know I’ll forgive them, and I’ll be the one crawling back because I have nothing else. They know and it’s a game for them. A sick, twisted game.

I cry to often. I over think. I worry. I basically kill myself everytime. I’m crumbling into pieces and soon they’ll be nothing left.

I won’t have to kill myself, because everyone around me is already doing it for me.