I'm sorry I miss you I will always love you

you'll never know what you have till it's gone

For her whole life, she never realized the true meaning of a statement so deep. Now, it was the only thought that lurked in her brain, and it would forevermore. The meaning had hit her hard, as hard as the real pain of acceptance that they were gone. A definition that was purely filled with regret, guilt, grief, anger, and yet somehow, love. A love that was forgotten and buried deep, only deciding to sprout at a time too late.

In their place is always an empty hole, a vortex that can never be filled. She had always heard about it, the sad stories in real life, read in a book, or watched in a movie. What she never realized was that the biggest reason it could never be filled, was because of all the questions that could now never be answered. The what if's?, the whys?, the why couldn't I have done something?.

Why did I never do something to help you? What if I could have stopped your hurting? What if I could have said a better goodbye? Why did it have to be now? Was I ever enough for you? Because you were always enough for me, why could I never tell you that? I'm sorry I failed you, would you ever forgive me?

She found herself asking these questions in the strangest times, in times of joy where she herself was unable to find happiness. All because she continued to grope with her grief, also unable to move on. Holding back tears as the thoughts would never stop flowing through her.

She could still remember the day she found out:

It was a normal day, of course normal until then. I never expected anything other than the usual because why should I?

Until that moment, that moment of notification. The news is out, and it finally reaches me. The first questions being, this isn't real right? their only sick right? this is just a joke right? this isn't real right?

I keep believing it, it's not real! trying to convince myself for fear of the truth. Trying to run away but it will never work. The truth hurts.

The unfortunate news is confirmed, they tell me it is true, that it is no joke, my questions answered in the way I never wanted.

The sadness swirling in me, is mixed with a roller coaster of emotions as I continue through the day. Finding anything, anything to distract me. Anything to make sure I don't break.

I break. The day is over, and home I am at last. But in moments alone are when there is nothing to distract me, and the pain creeps in, until it finally hits me. It hits me with a punch that creates an everlasting wound and destroys a piece of my soul. The questions come flowing in bringing guilt and regret, wondering where they are now after this life. And the tears streaming down my cheek, the sobs are my screams, as it is finally released.

I find myself in a room full of tears, grief is everywhere, seen in each face, heart, and soul, all at different stages we unite in order to honor. Tears from me, tears from others. Some are shocked, some already knew, some are angry, some are in woe. All are in sadness, many are wondering. People comforting each other, people speaking on their behalf, people crying, people sharing as they reminisce. Sometimes I feel out of place, sometimes I feel like I'm in just the right place for healing.

~
For the friend that we held so dear for our whole life, for the legend that was so high but helped the low, for the idol that felt our pain and shared it in art, for the relative that was lost, for the new acquaintance that we fought so hard to help, for the joyful smile that had hid its hurting, for the broken relationship

I'm sorry
I miss you
I will always love you

"So, before you go, was there something I could've said to make your heart beat better? If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather"