Give Me Love (troyler au)

I try to get my home keys from my pocket but I can't even fit my hand in it. I swear under my breath, why did I buy pants that are so tight, I ask myself. I stumble on my own feet and I need to put left hand on the door to support myself. I close eyes for a second but it's only making me feel more dizzy and noxious. Finally I fish out the keys, but now I need to try and open the door which causes only more problems.

I know I shouldn't drink this much. But now I can't even regret it, I will probably regret in the morning though, when my head will be killing me, and I won't be able to think straight. But that's the point right? To just for a second stop thinking about everything. Especially stop thinking about you.

My friends dragged me out of my apartment for a party to cheer me up, and it was working at first. But the more drunk I got the more memories come flooding my mind. How could they think I will be ever able to forget the way you smiled, the way your lips looked, and the way they tasted. I can't and I don't want to forget, because the memories is all I got now. Of course I can still see you, on internet or in person, but it's not the same, is it? You told me "but we can still be friends Tilly, I know we can" but I don't think we can. Of course we try to, but how can I be your friend when every time I look at you my heart is breaking again. When I look at you and I know that you will never look at me the same way, with so much love, or lust. 

I know it's been awhile, and I should move one just like you did, but every time I woke up I expect to find you right by my side, hugging me, with messy hair, sleepy smile and hooded eyes. And I want to hear at 8 am "Good morning Ty, why are you awake in the middle of the night?" said with your raspy voice. But I never do because I always woke up to empty bed and cold sheets. 

I sit on the right side of the bed, it's been always my side, but i guess now it doesn't matter I can sleep in the middle if I want. I quickly strip to my boxers and slip under the sheets. I turn my head away from what used to be your side of the bed. This way I can still imagine that you are lying there, sleeping peacefully, making quiet noises. But if you really were there I would turn around to hold you in my arms, because that's all I want to do right now. 

I go back to the times that we were still happy and I try to figure out when it started to fall apart. I keep wondering if I could do anything to fix it. I remember when I used to make you breakfast to bed and you always smiled so bright, when you smelled pancakes with nutella, and all I can think is at what point you stopped doing that. 

I think there's no point in my day that I don't miss you. Sometimes I miss you more sometimes less, but there's no denying the fact that I do miss you all the time. I miss you the most when I'm busy, in the middle of the day. You always used to send me the cutest messages and each time I found myself smiling after reading them. Sometimes it was just a smiley face, and sometimes sentence that made me feel safe and at home, even if you were on the other side of the world. You knew how stressed I got when I had loads to do. And now when I look at my phone in the middle of the day I feel empty inside, because there are no messages from you.

I miss you in the evenings, when we used to watch movies together cuddled on the couch. I was always playing with your hair and I didn't really watch it, I was just watching you. The way that you laughed when something silly happened, and the way that your beautiful baby blue eyes filed with tears when there were sad scene. Whenever you caught me watching you, you got mad at me. But you coudn't stay mad for long time. 

Suddenly I feel the urge to call you, to just listen to your voice for a bit. I know it's a bad idea. But if we are still friends then I can do that, right? Before we become a couple I used to call whenever I couldn't sleep or just wanted to talk. I write your number from memory, I still know every digit of it. I put the phone to my ear and wait with heart beating very fast. You answer after just a couple of seconds.

"Hello" It's not your voice, I don't recognize it.

"Who's this?" I'm too surprised. I can hear familiar voice in the background asking who's calling.

"It's Mark, Troyes boyfriend, and who are you?" I can't speak, I can't breath, I close my eyes. I don't even know what I'm feeling at this point. I feel empty, so empty. And noxious, like I could vomit any second.

"Hello? Are you there?" he asks again. I clear my throat.

"Never mind, forget it." I say and even before he could say something else I hung up,

I put my phone on the bedside table and I lay in my bed again.

Maybe I should let you go.