January 1, 2018
Laughter is true. Happiness is a heavy, pleasing weight. Bliss is peaceful and welcomed with warm, light arms.
Time is ticking by way too fast and making it hard to sit down and truly appreciate the life that was returned to us.
He's alive. Nothing bad can happen.
I don't miss the amount of nurses that surround Jungkook's bed on an almost hourly basis, thoroughly checking his vitals and injecting unpronounceable medications into his blood stream.
A sick feeling sits within my being, however, I can't find the courage the ask the nurses what the issue is. They have spoken nothing about Jungkook's current stability but everyone is too immersed in his awakening that questions aren't being asked.
The recovering boy has been in and out of sleep for the entirety of the day. He breaks out in cold sweats, screaming about pain in his head and in his chest.
Yesterday, his oxygen tube was removed as the doctor tried to get him to breathe on his own and he was doing it perfectly. However, today, Jungkook sports the full mask as his conscious drifts in and out, slurs of incoherent words and dazed memories oozing from his pale and chapped lips.
I continue to refuse to ask questions until somewhere in the late evening, Jungkook and I are the only ones in the room. He was awake for a short amount of time. We talked about us. He told me how much he loved me and how badly he couldn't wait to gain his strength back so he can lift me in the air and spin me around on the day we are to say I do.
He rambles on about his everlasting love for me and he hates seeing me so broken due to his state.
"Jaeun, I am fighting so hard for my life," He wheezes as he lifts his mask from his mouth. It's the most lucid he's been all day. His breathing is heavy. I try to tell him to put his mask back on but he cuts me off. "I love you so much and I want you to know that I will never leave you purposely."
"Jungkook, what are you-"
"If something is to ever happen to me, please don't stop your life. Please continue with whatever dreams you have. I want to look down at you and be proud of the woman you can be without me. Move on, marry the person who loves you more than I did. Don't search for me in someone else, please. You'll only be disappointed and you won't ever be happy." He words slur towards the end of his rant as his eyes grow heavy from the intense pain medication he's been receiving.
If I was hearing correctly, it sounded a lot like he is trying to preparing me for his death. He's been doing that a lot the last couple of days. Ever since he woke up, actually.
"Jungkook, stop. You're going to be okay. You'll fight through this, I'm here. I am right here."
"I will always be here." He raises a weak arm, pointer finger poking my heart.
My eyes water. "Stop doing this, Jungkook." I say sternly. "You will be okay. I love you, you have to be okay."
His words are idiotic. Even still, I can't shake this feeling that he knows he isn't going to make it. However, that thought is so ludicrous. The doctors have been treating him and they say that his tests are clear.
