Landmine

The thing that scared me the most

Wasn't a ghost

Nor a scary monster

But was my reflection

What I saw

Looking back at me

I realized I had to face

All my dark spots

All the things I meant to erase

I realize

I'm still there

Untouched

Unfazed

I'm waiting for the day

I become uncaged

I search for an answer

But you come to me again,

And Again

And Again

Even in your absence

This is my response to old fear

The ripple of fear beckons

Even though no immediate threat is near

The threat isn't real

Just someone I cannot see

I fear a tap on the shoulder

I'll react like a soldier

I remind myself it's not real

But this is not how it feels

Fight or flee

So I ask you not to stand behind me

Those past events in my head

My mind

My heart

My soul

It's just a memory

Making me see things that

Aren't there

Everything I've already seen

Already heard

Already lived

Replaying in my mind

Never ending

Sleeping is a tormentor now

Trapping me

In nightmares that once were memories

But what am I supposed to do

When the pain and nightmares become too real

What am I supposed to do now

That my mind is a living hell

I'm still stuck here

In my memories

I'm the walking dead

It's just my ptsd

It's just me

It's just my trauma

My past haunting me

They tell me to move on

That it wasn't that bad

But I am stuck

In the hole

That was made by a landmine who called himself

my father

But many people look at me

As if I am a landmine

They step around me

Trying to not disturb the bomb inside me that's ready to be set off

You see it gets harder

To remember what I used to be

What I liked

Before you tore me open

And consumed the happy girl

I once was

I tried to let it all out

But then I realized it lay deeper

And more within me

My home used to be a part of me

But now when I there I am a

Stranger in my own home

From the kitchen cabinets

To my room

To the bathtub

All because of you

I am a landmine

I am delicate

Strong

And explosive

I am me

And I have ptsd