XXII

I was 16 years old when it all started.

I was young and careless specially at home.
Full of energy and fun. Watched anime for fun, listened to music my young soul thought was good. I had emotions and I let them control me. Now I don't know what I have but I feel the hollowness even when I picture eating ass in my mind. And I enjoy such sexual thoughts.

I was mentally dumb. Naive if thats the word.
School was my home. Although I do wish something could've made a chemical change within me that would spark some sense into me.
That's what it was, I had no type of real sense. I mean how could I know if I didn't even know. I knew I had to do things, but for what purpose? The real purpose. Not just some question on your calculus homework asking you: "how would you use this in real life."
Well Mrs. Tran, I learned I can use numbers because they are the building blocks of mathematics. And how can you understand a concept if you do not fully break it down from its simple definition.
For the age that I was, I was very immature.
Now I am seeing its outcome and my 22 year old self doesn't know what to do or how to act.
Is it the drugs?
They helped me develop when I was on my own.

*im sure dinosaurs ate all the weed plants and hence the world set on fire bc the medicine was all out*

Friends? I lost a good amount of them. To this day I am not even sure if I acknowledged how my friends treated me and vice versa.
Something is surely missing
Not sure what, but this desperate need of being where I was meant to be since 2007.

2007 me would've been very upset. Not at the journey, but at how I could've expanded my branches and yet here I am not even familiar with my own roots.
I do not know what I am, where I am from, what my family tree truly consists of.

But Amelia , you can just ask

Okay, so I ask and then what. I wasn't taught how to ask and even if I go check out a Youtube video and agree to what needs to be done, yet I still feel like I am mute.

Noo