Forgetting and getting over who I thought was the one, came together as one that day. It only got worse from there. Everything became irrelevant. It seemed time had slowed to a stop and I was left behind to think about everything that had taken place, and there was no one there beside me. No one knew what I was hiding, no one knew who I was. I was alone.
And then after a year, she came along. A breathe of fresh air. A golden smile. Open arms. Understanding. Everything I could've asked for in a companion. My hopes and dreams spurred back to life and I felt whole again.
It felt like it would be forever. The words we shared, the hearts we blessed to each other. The hugs and good nights. It was something everyone wished they had. It was all so surreal.
She wasn't the judgemental type. She always said she didn't have any space to be. That's something I loved about her. She never gave up. She always understood. This was the best of her.
Her smile was bright like no other, and her hair shined in the light. She had the most glowing eyes that would take any man's breathe right from his chest.
But things got harder. More complex. Faster. Longer.
I always felt like I was in the wrong. Being scolded for picking up extra shifts. Worrying about money instead of everything else in life. Not devoting 100%of my time to her. The distance.
So many negatives in the equation, that the positives became obsolete.
Sleepless nights filled with overthinking. Unanswered questions. So many unknowns that would make any scientists head ache. The distance. I cant stress enough about the distance. It just wasn't meant to work out.
I fought for a year to change myself every way I could and make myself better in her eyes. It was slow at first, but progress had been made. I wasn't going to give up on her. I wanted it to work. I gave 100% of me to make it work.
But I never felt like I was getting 100% back.
I tried. I really tried. I wanted to make it work. I wanted to prove all the doubters wrong. I wanted to show that I was capable of handling it and making it work. But in the end, I was going to be hurt in ways I would've wanted to avoid. I was blinded by love. My own love. That I was giving. But not so much getting.
It always felt like a game. Keep her happy and you'll be fine. Figure out how to keep her happy. Do everything you can for her. Take her to a dance. Spend an entire weekend with her. Hug. Cuddle. Watch T.V till 4 A.M. There was no doubt she is who you wanted in your life.
But things started changing.
Conversations got shorter. Boring. Nonexistent some days. It all just became a record tape on repeat. The same thing every day. It became routine. It wasn't fun. Just routine.
It became stressful. It seems simple, but yet it became si complex to follow that routine, and then trying g to fix it to go back to how it was at first. Exciting and enjoyable.
But the flame wasn't there.
With all my overthinking and questions left unanswered, I felt incomplete again. There were too many what ifs and too many if nots, and not enough constants. I felt trapped. Trying to solve what seemed like and impossible riddle to find love.
In the end, it wasn't worth it.
I left. Not because I wanted to hurt you, but because I was hurting myself more. I was putting myself down because I couldn't seem to make you happy. But I tried. I was cutting off friends to gain your trust. But I never did. I was becoming a distant monster to everyone around me. I thought I was changing to make you happy, but I changed me and made everyone hate me. I didn't want to hurt you. But I did. It's been a while and I suppose we've moved on in life. We're about done with school now. But I wish you the best.
