It is merely impossible for me to understand my emotions some days. For some unknown reason, I can feel a wave of depression wash over me. I’d have not the slightest reason as to why I should feel any pain or hurt whatsoever, but there I was, the only way I could truly smile is if you could cut me ear to ear and why? I don’t know. I could be the happiest person ever and in just a split second, I would be infested with the most excruciating thoughts. I could literally see myself standing in pure emptiness, waiting, just waiting for someone or something to save me from the numbness that was now not only something I felt, but it was who I was. I was numb. The colour of everything I saw only in matter of seconds ago was now drained away. I would think of every reason I was ever sad, I would think about how truly alone I am. There was really no one there that would take the time to figure me out, there was no one there to dig deeper and tap into my mind to tell me why this happens. There was no one there to hold me close and tell me, show me, that I am not really broken at all. I had no one. I was truly alone. Maybe that was the reason I had these weird depressive states, the thought of being all alone seemed to crawl it’s way around my mind, covering every inch until eventually it took over. Maybe it was because I really didn’t like who I was, why should I? No one else did. No one liked the person I was. I’m always too young, too immature, too stupid, too much of a loser. I always spoke too much, spoke of too many foolish things. No one wanted to be with the girl that needed fixing so badly. I was just the girl that just wanted to be saved from herself, from her emotions, from her thoughts.
Then again, did I actually need saving or was I just drowning in a pool of self-pity? Was I one of those attention seekers? Did all I ever want was just for someone to notice me? Really, all there is to me are these depressive phases that are over in a matter of at least 2 days before I get back to normal, sometimes even hours. It was normal, completely normal, so why did I always crave the feeling of comfort? I shouldn’t, there are people out there with much bigger problems, there are people out there suffering with cancer, others that don’t even know if they will be safe at night or where there next meal is going to come from and all I can do is lie in bed and pounder over the fact there is no one to comfort me, I should be grateful I even have a bed. I know better, yet my mind still seems to be drawn to the negative aspects in my life. All I really need is food, shelter, water and clothing. I should be grateful for that. I know that but yet my mind is still filled with a million reasons as to why my life is worth nothing. I wasn’t some lost cause. I was just a girl who needed a punch in the face that would hopefully knock some positivity into me. Well, it wasn’t like I was a negative person all the time, I usually am this upbeat, care-free, friendly as hell, laughing 24/7 girl, I guess I just hit this downer once in a while and really, I just want to know why!
I really needed to figure out whether I am a happy person who just has off days or a sad person that disguises my feelings with happiness. I guess it doesn’t really matter anyway, as long as I don’t end up acting on the thoughts of making tiny little cuts on my neck with a razor blade, I’d be fine! I hope. I guess. I don’t even know what to think anymore. Maybe I’d have it all figured out one day, but for now, I’ll have to hit the sack, can’t afford to be late for school, AGAIN!
