Wilted

1)Wilted

Today is a Tuesday, which is not as bad as a Monday, but not as good as a Wednesday. Though, the days tend to blur together.

It hadn't always been apparent, my future. Somewhere, along the line, I could see that things were beginning to change, in the worst ways possible. Every word broke me down, changing my body and conditioning my entire character. Since when did sounds make me jump? Had I always been a coward? I can't remember. My life before today, leading up to this new life, is a hazy movie. Like looking to a screen, seeing what I want, but not being apart of it. The girl I was years ago is gone, replaced by skin and bones and pain. So much pain. But maybe I deserve this. Maybe I had done something to make God angry.

Regardless, I long for a new day. A new, new life, where my own shadow doesn't spook me. Where I am strong, independent. If you could see me, Mom, as I say this, even you would laugh. Or maybe you'd cry, as I have, as I will. It is a vicious cycle. I tell myself that I love him.

And maybe I do, because he had been there for so long. He was my rock, my savior in high school. We had been through so much together, and he never left my side. I felt some type of loyalty to him, almost like a debt to pay off. Maybe if I had spoken to someone sooner, other than him, I wouldn't be stuck here. But then, that feels wrong to say too. I do love him. He takes care of me. And maybe he's rough, and unforgiving sometimes, but I always make him that way.

I sat outside on the porch swing, admiring my view. A large, newly paved driveway winded down the lawn, which stretched out as far as the sea. The grass was short, though very green and healthy. Large bushes of blood red roses lines the driveway, though they aren't blooming like they do in season. The sun peeked out over the large gate surrounding the property, and the water from the fountain glistened. Two angels emerged from the water, backs elegantly arched, though frozen in time. Water sprouted from their mouths, and I always liked that statue because I knew what drowning felt like too.

The very large house sat behind me on a small incline, not big enough to be a hill, but enough to notice. It was all beautiful, all wood and glass and gold. Very modern, with a hint of rustic charm.

The backyard encased a heated pool and jacuzzi, a tennis court, a smallish maze, and a rendezvous area with a gazebo. The grass there was just as green and lush. And mostly fake.

I lean backwards and allow myself to relax. He wouldn't be home for a couple hours, at least, which left me enough time to cook and clean. I'd have to skip out on eating, though, and it would be a waste of time anyway. I could hardly ever keep anything down.

I stand from the swing and make my way inside. I look around the foyer and try to look around a couple beer cans and stains. They foyer is beautiful. The walls are a creamy white, stretching down half the length of the house. A few, very expensive paintings dot the walls. One of which is a portrait of him and I. We look regal, standing close and straight backed. I remember that day. That was the day that he proposed.

A long, white couch sits in the center of the room, cupped by two loveseats and a short table. The large tv stand across from it is made of dark wood, similar to the dark wood flooring. A large white tiger rug is off to the side, draped in front of the fireplace. I head over and start up a fire, hoping to scare away the cold in my bones. The beer cans lay discarded on the low table, a reminisce of last night's poker game with his friends. The stains, some of beer and some of blood, dry on the floor and Persian rug under the table.

Looking away from the stains, I immediately head to the kitchen. It's just as big as the foyer, with an island and two separate ovens. I begin boiling water for the potatoes that he wanted with his steak tonight. I don't waste any time on peeling them, because he doesn't mind the texture. Once those are on, I head back to the foyer and begin cleaning.
I have to scrub extra hard to get the blood out of the rug, but I know it would just end up here again if I didn't.