early hours of 17/03/20
sometimes i really wonder what convinces me to put up and persist to beg for people to stay. compassion? loyalty? desperation?
i'm not desperate for companion, nor do i bother with the fear of loneliness or isolation. i notice when i have an interest in someone, i'd be desperate to have you, and i'll stay long enough for you to convince me whether or not i'll fail.
and then there are times
where i realize i'm the only one who begs the other to stay.
am i really the only trying here?
do i really worth nothing?
am i not worth asking for?
it makes me soak my pillows with tears
it's a piece of shame i carry on my shoulders
i inch myself so low to beg
and most don't even glance my way
and i still keep going
when will i have enough?
when will i break my limit?
then they're all the same
even if you fill in with all your might and effort and desperation into the softest of your voice, the kindest of your actions, the purest of your looks and the majority of your effort, you will bring in the wrong people. they will automatically step and stomp on your entry carpet on their way out as soon as a flaw of yours pushes your facade off your spotlight.
your efforts are nothing. worthless. nothing to fight for and nothing worth saving.
just die already.
YOU ARE READING
Public Diary
Non-Fictionthe title says it and: trigger warning of suicidal language as much as you feel like you should judge me off of everything you read in here, keep your judgements to yourself
