For better or worse, Sorin

SOUL

HUMAN DESIGN

Who am I?

Learning who you are is not a one-time process. Over the years, I thought I was a writer. I thought I was a marketer. I thought I was a teacher. And I might've been all of those. But that's only looking at life through the lens of a job or a work environment.

Change is ok. Change is normal. Change is necessary. I've learned this the hard way. I used to think that once I finish my studies, I'll find out who I am. If that doesn't work, I'll join an NGO and they'll tell me. If that doesn't work, I'll get a job. They'll tell me. They'll fit me into their mould and I could just live there. Inside of that generic placeholder for people. Not living my true life, but also not worrying about the difficult questions in life.

Not only did that not work, but it also made me more confused. Suddenly, there were all these avenues I could take. My education has taught me how to be a good student. University was a time when I could voice my thoughts in front of my peers. And it felt good. That was one of the first times when I found validation.

Prior to this, I was writing poetry in high school. Sometimes sharing it with friends or female colleagues. While I was genuine in writing them, people didn't seem to care about poetry. Maybe it wasn't the right context. They were more interested in programming, movies, sports, girls or going out on the weekends. I did think about these things as well, but it didn't seem like it would last. Parties and clubs were ok, but surely I wasn't going to go to those when I was 30 or 40, right?

That meant I was already thinking about the long run. Prior to high school, I half-jokingly started writing my memoirs. Some friends shared my passion for writing, but they were more into video games and horror/sci-fi stories. I didn't feel like I needed any of those. Life was strange enough to become a story. I didn't end up finishing a chapter of that, so consider this a continuation of that dream, of sorts.

Kindergarten wasn't difficult for me. I remember being very shy, sometimes stealing toy cars or LEGO pieces (and once getting caught), but also having fun with the people in my class. All throughout there was a sense of anticipation: "I finish kindergarten and then I get to go to school. I finish that and I can hang out with the cool kids, in high school. Next is university, people with cigarettes, cars and regular girlfriends." Not really sure about what references I had when I was 5 or 6, perhaps it was just the tv shows and movies on television. Artificial lives of people living in the US mainly. With tons of friends, interesting things to do and challenges all around them.

Television played a role in the person I am today. Some parts were good - I definitely imagined myself wearing a suit to work, being in an office, working on plans and reports. On the other hand - there were shows showing teens in danger or doing drugs and having to deal with the consequences.

Attempts of knowing myself

It was as if my life was pre-programmed. My parents seemed to have similar lives, in general. Hardships, friendships, jobs, children, family life, retirement, happiness. It all seemed like it would function the same way for everyone. And no matter how fast you run or try to get away from it, it was going to pull you back. Later did I learn about escape velocity. Your habits become your life. And if your habits are mostly static, your life becomes that. And you feel stuck. Stuck in a relationship. Stuck in a job. Stuck in life. And in order to escape all of this and create your own life, on your own terms, you would have to get momentum. Enough so that you do manage to break free from the constraints currently holding you back.

For me, this was always achieved through hobbies or doing work I was passionate about, alone, in my room. Sure, playing video games are a welcomed escape from time to time, but they still are just an act of consumption. My attempts of knowing myself have centered more around creation: scripts, short stories, poetry, videos, projects, apps, books, etc.