You Know You're Right // k.c. (Incomplete)

1. First Out of Many

It was 4am. Jadah was laying awake in her messy bed. The sheets and blankets were balls at the edge of her feet at this point. There were no pillowcases on the pillows. The ashtray was filled with cigarette butts. Her black makeup was in streaks down her face. "Fuck, " She thought, "This isn't happening. There's no way." This is the first time out of the many where Jadah would be in this situation. 

Her phone rang on the nightstand. That stupid thing always felt like a brick when she held it. That's what phones from '83 will do to you. She always felt stupid with it. Especially since she couldn't take it with her anywhere, unless she wanted to carry around a loud, heavy brick that died every 20 minutes. It was '92, and she still had a phone from the early 80s. Jadah grabbed the phone with the best of her strength. "Hello," she answered. "Hey," it was Kurt, "I kind of felt bad for how I ended it. I just wanted to apologize and see how you're feeling." He sounded genuine, but that didn't matter in Jadah's case. "Hey listen, I don't feel that fucking good right now." She whimpered quietly and angrily. "I know, and I'm sorry." Kurt isn't usually genuine; he doesn't like showing that side of himself. He sniveled on the other line. "I feel like I made a mistake." Jadah felt her anger rise, even though she felt so numb. She couldn't move her body anymore, nor did she want to. "I don't.., " she inhaled sharply as she felt more tears start to stream. "I don't care." She somehow managed the strength to push the hang up button. The phone then slid down next to her head.
She went from silently sobbing to almost wailing. She felt she had lost her best friend. She knew what the Nirvana fans were going to say about her. She knew what Dave, Kris, Geffen Records, everyone was going to say. Fucking publicity. Jadah hated the fact that people knew about Kurt and her, but she loved Kurt. He meant everything to her. Every fiber of him had special meaning to her. His eyes were the first things she saw, when they met. She remembers watching his pupils dilate when they fully locked on her. She remembers how greasy his hair was. It was disgusting, but for some reason, she wanted more than anything to feel it right now. His facial hair felt so damn scratchy when they kissed, but she loved it; she wanted to feel it again. To be honest, he smelled like complete ass. His musk was a mixture of cigarettes, sweat, and alcohol, but she didn't mind it at all. She can recall telling Kurt, "Baby, not to be mean, but why don't you shower, or wash your clothes for that matter?" She can remember him saying, "Because I don't give a fuck." He really did though. He was never the happiest, so he never had the energy to shower. But sometimes, he wished he did. 

It wasn't until a few seconds later when the phone rang again. She was doing this to herself. She answered. "What?" She didn't yell, because her throat was too groggy from crying. "Please, let me talk to you. I feel really fucking bad." Jadah had the same amount of anger burning in her, but she didn't show a single bit of it. She was always really good at that. "I really don't want to talk to you." she said. "Then don't. Let me talk to you. I can talk to you just like when we first met," he tried to reason, "Remember when we met, you were really shy, and I continued to tell you about my band, and how I was surprised that you had never heard of us?" Jadah didn't want to think about when they first met, but it seemed to calm her down. "Remember, we met in the record shop? You were looking at Nevermind, and you asked me why they would ever allow the cover image." Jadah could picture it. She never liked that image, but she loved listening to Kurt explain the meaning behind it. How the baby in the water chasing after the bill on the hook is meant to represent people being money hungry. "I can remember how shocked you were to find out that that was my band's album." It was early 1992 when she found Nevermind. She believes it to have come out in late '91, so it had been out for a little while as of then. "I asked you if you wanted to get TGI Fridays with me, and you nodded. That was the biggest smile that ever slapped on your face." Jadah could feel that smile, but it didn't show on her what-so-ever. "We went after you bought the record, and I remember you ordering a barbecue steak. I remember how messy you were when you ate it. It was cute and funny." Kurt chuckled to himself on the other line. Jadah didn't laugh. She was too busy sitting in a dark room with a large white phone to her ear. His chuckles were loud, and it almost hurt. She didn't care at this point. If she would go deaf, she'd want it to be because of Kurt's cute chuckles. "I remember you wanted me to sign the album, just in case we never met again, or just in case you were to become a Nirvana fan," his chuckles went quiet, "You always were our biggest fan." Jadah felt one more tear fall down her face. She could hear Kurt exhale on the other line. "I really do think I've made a mistake..." Jadah didn't focus on what Kurt was saying anymore. She felt herself zone out, and not long after, she fell asleep.