To Billies New Male Roomate

1

Hey guys,

Just thought I would write this oneshot as I am not in isolation yet, but am still bored and don't have any inspiration for my other story at the moment.

Disclaimer: She is not that famous in this story and they are probably about 21-22 in this story.

Enjoy!

__________________________

Hello.

I know what you must be thinking. The Billie Eilish, one of Los Angeles fine up and coming singers, is going to be your roommate? You get to live with and share meals with and regularly talk to one of Highland Parks most famous and finest. What a great opportunity!

Here's my advice to you. Pack your bags, turn around, walk out that front door, find a new apartment, and never look back.

I know this warning sounds melodramatic, and you'll probably disregard it, because, hell, its Billie Fucking Eilish. But I implore you to take heed of my advice, for it will save you months of agony and despair.

So to better persuade you, I have provided you with a list of the lifestyle, excuse me... torture, I've had to endure these past seven months living with her. The things I've had to witness. The atrocities I've had to live with. Maybe if you read them all, you can make the right decision and leave before you get tied down to a contract.

So without further ado...

Billie Eilish As A Roommate:

1. Refuses to wash dishes, sweep the floor, take out the trash, etc, but constantly complains about how dirty and messy the apartment is.

2. Sings and records at ungodly hours of the night as well as blasting music as loud as possible.

3. Uses up pretty much all of the toilet paper and makes you buy more.

4. Clogs the shower with clumps of different coloured hair, that you will ultimately have to fish out or call a plumber. (And trust me it is revolting)

5. Sheds. Hair. All. Over. The. Place.

6. Finishes your Refried Beans for your burrito from the can within two days of you buying it after she tells you she hates them at the grocery store.

7. Labels all her food and snacks and attacks you if you so much as look at her stuff.

8. Drinks everything straight from the carton and puts it back in the fridge even if its nearly empty.

9. Hates the way your room smells apparently, but always takes naps in your bed.

10. Makes fun of your wardrobe relentlessly, yet always wears your clothes all the time, every day.

11. Throws crazy parties, passes out in your bed, and leaves you to clean up the trash the next day.

12. Gets drunk as hell on weekdays and comes back in the early hours of the morning. And pukes all over the couch and carpet. Which you will have to clean up.

13. Tries to hook up with you when completely wasted. And pukes all over the couch and carpet. Which you will have to clean up.

14. Gets plastered everytime her ex-boyfriend of 4 years calls her. And pukes all over the couch and the carpet. Which you will have to clean up.

15. Takes a piss while your showering and flushes the toilet which freezes the water (and laughs about your plight in your face.

16. Gets these random urges to try to cook something, fails miserably, leaves the kitchen a giant mess, and leaves you to clean aforementioned mess.

17. Likes to keep the temperature of the apartment to below sixty to keep "creative juices flowing in her mind" (fights you if you try to object or try to change the temperature)

18. Leaves songwriting notes scattered all over the floor, so you inevitably slip on said notes and wind up sprawled on your ass.

19. Drinks all your booze, and fills all the empty bottles up with water and food colouring to make them look full.

20. Uses all your shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste, mouthwash, deodorant, etc, and never replaces them.

21. Puts red or blue underwear and socks with your laundry and ruins every atricle of white clothing you own.

22. Forces you to buy tampons and a shit ton of vegan ice cream(which aint cheap) for her on her bad period days. (And you will know when they're bad)

23. Borrows your car for days on end and returns it without any gas and with a flat tire (but she won't tell until you're running late for work and rushing to hurry up and get out.)

24. Hits on your guy friends shamelessly during guys night and somehow, manages to turn it into an evening of relationship advice.

25. Brings over guys and makes you suffer countless sleepless nights.

26. Takes care of her... problem quite loudly and quite vividly.

27. Leaves her underwear all over the place.

28. Walks around the apartment fresh out of the shower in tiny towels.

29. (As a consequence, all three of the above issues will leave you with a constant and serious case of blue balls.)

30. Promises to pay you back for all the stuff you've bought for her or shes finished... and she never does.

31. Has hours long facetime calls with her friends way late in the night (Im talking 3-6 AM)

32. Loses her keys twice a month, and then uses the spare key and loses that too, and then uses your key... and loses that too.

33. Intrudes on your one night stands to ask for your card to order takeout.. wearing panties and one of your shirts. (Yeah, you wont be getting laid that night)

34. Forgets to pay rent frequently, forcing you to pick up her slack if you want to be able to shower that week.

35. Watches netflix on your profile (despite having her own) and ruins all of your recommendations and episodes to watch.

36. Takes forever and a day in the bathroom especially when you need to go.

37. Brings random stray animals in from the street and stores them in your room.

38. Leaves her used tissues all over the place when shes sick.

39. Asks what you want from the store and then doesn't bother getting it at all.

40. Hoards everything and anything and refuses to throw it out regardless of lack of space. Do not go in her room. Its a dark place.

41. Dyes her hair a new colour every month with all the windows in the apartment closed, getting the dye everywhere causing you to be intoxicated from dye fumes.

42. And finally, uses your razor to shave her legs. And her armpits. And her.. you know.

Aside from all of that, Billie is a great roommate and will probably become your best friend. So.. take care of her, alright? Shes a good person.

Best of luck,

Brandon Adams