Our Story

Flashes

I have five memories that span a two year period, from ages thirteen to fifteen.  These memories are the clearest I have.  They all centre around the same person.  The boy that both damned and saved me.  The first memory is the day we met it was July 31st and very sunny.  We met at the pizza place, I was standing by the counter when he walked in, when I turned and saw him for the first time I felt electricity. We walked along the bay together for the rest of the day just talking.  I think that is probably the day I fell in love with him.  Even if it is not, it is still th day everything changed.  Flash forward to May of the next year, this memory is the clearest; probably because it was and still is the most important to me.  We were lying on the bed watching "How I Met Your Mother"; I was curled into his chest.  I can still feel the heat where his hands touched me, almost as though his fingerprints are forever burned into my skin.  I felt safe there, I felt like I had finally come home.  In the show Ted had just told Robin he thought he was in love with her when he looked at me and said "I think I'm in love with you." Nearly two years later and those words still echo in my ears.  When I heard him say that it felt as though the world was sliding into place.  In that moment I knew I was going to love him forever.  That was the day I discovered just how amazing love could feel.  Then in June prom came along, he showed up with another girl.  I could feel my world collapsing in on itself when I saw them walk in together.  I have never experienced pain like that, not before and not since.  It was a full body crushing kind of peain.  I honestly thought I was going to die then and there.  I did not believe it was possible to survive pain like that, but survive it I did, or at least most of me did.  I broke that day and I discovered just how painful love could be.  Christmas came and went and then on the tenth of January so did my birthday.  I was fifteen but just barely when the next and final memory takes place and I didn't understand how he could've just stopped loving me so I didn't believe he had.  I kept holding on until one Friday I was driving to PEI to visit my cousins when he texted me and told me that he still loved me and if him and his girlfriend broke up we could try again.  I gave up on him then and there.  I realized that while maybe he loved her more.  I was just his backup.  And that hurt almost as much as the first time I saw them together.  That day was the end of us as anything, I stopped responding to his texts or aknowledging him when I saw him.  That was the hardest thing I've ever done, it was like ripping a part of myself out. I did it though, I gave up and I finally let him go.  Looking back all I can think is that I was too young to feel that way about someone, but I did  I wonder i f you can know how love is supossed to work beofre it happens to you.  I don't know if it's possible or if it would've helped but I wish i had known that love wasn't supossed to be all consuming or maybe if someone had warned me I would have been able to save myself.  That love ruined me and I wasn't okay for a long time after it.  Sometimes I think I'm still not okay.