How it feels to be lost.

This is how it feels

My whole life they said I'd be nothing. Well, I'm something and I would rather be the stray than be nothing to no one at all. – Sleeping with sirens

December 2nd 2003. Keep that date in mind because that is the day a rebellious outcast was born. Now, I know what you're about to say. You're going to tell me I am not an outcast and that this word I am using is very strong. Well, allow me to politely disagree. The word outcast as defined by the Cambridge dictionary means "someone who is not accepted by society because they are different to most other people." I know I am not different to most people, but I am not accepted by those around me because I am different to most of them and that has been enough to make me feel like that word describes me well. My name is Dalel Sarkis, and here is a bit of my story.

Ever since I was younger I felt like I wasn't meant to fit in. As a kid, I couldn't notice it but eventually, that got way more evident. I spent my first two years of elementary in the library by myself reading Dr. Seuss' books. This never bothered me, I have always enjoyed reading quite a lot and those stories got to transport me to different places every time. Whether I was reading The Lorax, The Cat in the Hat or Horton, I knew I could always hide from my growing feelings of loneliness behind a bookshelf in the comfort of an empty library.

Many times, I've been told there's nothing wrong with being alone or being different and I agree. I enjoy spending time alone because I believe those are the only moments you're truly free, it's the only time you're truly yourself because no one can judge you. The problem is feeling lonely and I feel this way often, but it never happens when I'm alone. I usually feel the loneliest whenever I'm surrounded by people. School can trigger this feeling easily since I don't have many friends so teamwork activities and recess can turn into a living nightmare for me.

I have found that accepting the truth is harder than hiding from it behind a book or, nowadays, a guitar. Sometimes, as life notices you've been running away for too long, it makes things as obvious as possible so you finally dare to face them. The universe decided to place the truth in front of me in a rather cruel way. Few times I've felt worse than when a class project was being organized and no one would accept me on their team even after the teacher pointed out I didn't have one and I needed one to work on the project too... that time I had to be given a different work. This wasn't years ago, I wasn't a child, I was about to finish 9th grade. That time I felt a void in my stomach start growing. As It slowly took me over I started feeling numb. Emotionless. It is not hard reaching your limit when you spend 8 hours a day, 5 days a week feeling like this, but there is always a way to cope with feelings and I found mine through art. While this constant feeling of loneliness could drive anyone mad, one way or another music has kept me sane. Singing songs while playing my guitar seems therapeutic to me. It helps the void in my stomach disappear and it seems to take every negative feeling with it. It keeps me sane.

Sometimes people who are already lost can find a way out through art. – Azalea Esperon