Short Stories.

Forgiving Jane.

            “Jane!” There’s incessant knocking on the door, I close my eyes trying to block everything out. “Jane open the door! You can’t do this!”

            I’m sitting cross legged in a sea of green that’s only interrupted by the husky bark of trees and the branches that are reaching for the sky.I lift my arms over my head, reaching with them, wishing that instead of having to reach I was floating on one of the clouds above. I could float there until darkness and then I could catch a few stars. A smile lights my face as the voice on the other side of the forest gets faint.

            “Jane, open the door.” It gets fainter and fainter until it goes away all together and then I’m finally alone.

            I stand up, moving throughout the forest, my fingers trailing across the trees and the leaves. I see a monkey smiling at me as it unpeels a banana. I wish that I could smell the dirt and foliage as the scent of fresh paint caresses my senses instead. I created this forest, with intent strokes of a brush and numerous dips into colors like apple green, fern green and I even found a way to use a color named bubbles. I remember as I did it I contemplated names for the little baby girl that was growing inside of me. While I painted the monkey I thought, maybe Maggie, or Megan, or I could name her after my aunt Melanie. Next I painted a giraffe thinking maybe Gabriella or Georgia. I was so excited I could barely stand the thought that I had to wait another two months to hold her in my arms.

            Now, I let my fingers flutter over the giraffes ear, only the paint is still wet and I smear his small face. My yellow fingers trail down until they touch my now hollow stomach. The all too familiar feeling of my heart clenching hits me like a fist. I lean against the wall trying to compose myself knowing that that will never happen. I will never hold her. I stare across the room to see trees and dirt and leaves, so real that I feel like if I took a few steps forward I could be there instead of here.

            I had put off everything to paint this room, I knew that I needed to keep making sculptures so that I could pay my rent at the end of the month but I just wanted to take some time and paint this forest for my baby. Now it’s been two weeks since I fell down the stairs and lost her and I haven’t been able to sculpt a single thing worth selling, which means I don’t have rent money and I won’t have a house soon. My husband will never forgive me. I close my eyes tilting my head up to the roof which I was going to paint to look like a blue sky. It takes only a few seconds of my focus wavering from the forest around me to hear the voice again, only now it’s been joined by another.

            “Jane, open this door or I’ll break it down!” My husband John yells. I can hear my best friend Sara sobbing and for a moment I contemplate opening the door. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone by locking myself in this forest I just wanted an hour or so alone. Since my baby died I’ve barely even been able to go to the bathroom by myself.

            “That’s it Jane, the door is coming down!” I don’t believe him and needing more time to myself I try to block out the noise again. They can wait another ten minutes. Their voices are once again beginning to fade and I’m almost by myself when a huge bang makes me jump. I look over to see John panting in the doorway. The door is a splintered mess and there’s a look I’ve never seen in his eyes as he takes three quick steps to me and wraps me in his arms.

            “What were you thinking?” He asks me upset.

            I feel myself crashing back down to reality as the tears begin to gather under my lids and I lean into his familiar scent. “I just need some time alone,” I whisper, my voice comes out shaky. I guess I didn’t say it loud enough though because John asks me to repeat what I said. “I just need some time alone,” I say louder as a sob rocks my body.

            Sara is all of a sudden there and she’s still crying as she pulls me from John and into her. She’s a lot taller than me though so my face falls into her neck and my own tears roll down her skin. I stare through my blurry vision at the necklace she’s wearing. It’s a small gold hourglass with real sand inside. I pick it up and turn it upside down so the grains fall. She’s always had a thing for hourglasses and I’ve never understood why until this moment. Each grain falls quickly, just like our lives pass. Each grain is an important time in our life and soon each grain is gone and then we die. There’s nothing left. When the sand is all on the bottom I flip it over again thinking about all the important moments that were supposed to happen in my daughter’s life that will now never happen; her first crush, her first kiss, her first love, her graduation, her prom, her first day of college, her wedding day, her first child and so many other things, all because I had to fall down some stairs.

 “I killed her.” I admit our loud for the first time through my sobs.

Sara pulls me into her tighter. “No you didn’t sweetie, you fell that wasn’t your fault.”

 “It was my fault, you must all hate me.”

John rubs my back and kisses my forehead. “No one ever blamed you Jane. Yes we’re all upset about the baby but we never once thought of it as your fault.”

 I sob harder and curl into John pushing away Sara, my hand stays wrapped around the little hourglass though. “Well you should.”

Johns hand pats my hair and he nuzzles my cheek with his nose. “We don’t, and we never will. We were all devastated when we lost the baby but you know what?” He tugs at my chin and makes me look at him. He looks into my eyes and I know he wants a response.

 “What?” I ask him.

 “We’re still young, and we have plenty of time to have more babies.”

            “How are you so calm right now?” I ask him. “You’ve been so put together this whole time.”

  He wipes away the tears on my face and he gives me a sad smile. “Jane, you lost it and if I lost it too we wouldn’t be able to make it through this. I’m trying to be the strong one so that when you’re ready we can get our lives back on track.”

 “How are we going to pay the rent though?” I ask. “I haven’t been sculpting.”

Sara clears her throat. “John put together half the rent for this month and I’m going to loan you the rest.”

            I shake my head. “No, Sara you shouldn’t have to do that.”

She shrugs. “You know I can spare it. I love you guys and you love this house.”

            I let the hourglass fall as I pull her into a group hug. “I love you guys you know that right?” They both answer quickly with yes and after a few seconds I ask them seriously, “And you really don’t blame me?”

            John pats my hair. “Of course not Baby.”

I look at Sara and she looks right back. “Never.”

I had stopped crying for a moment but now a tear slips down my cheek because even though I still blame myself for falling I know that they won’t resent me for it.

“You’re all covered in paint.” John says after a while.

I nod my head. “I leaned against the wall.”

             He tugs me lightly from Sara’s grasp. “Let’s go get you some clean clothes.” His arm wraps around my shoulders and Sara doesn’t completely release me as she holds my hand. I’ll be sad for a while but I know that they will both be there to help me through it. Everything will be alright.

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Sorry some things are underlined.