The Searching®

Chapter I: Ambitious Feelings

It has now been two weeks since the move. The kids are settling in quite comfortably, but still struggle to maintain a positive attitude towards the change. The leaves are now turning into various colors, as it ranges between yellow and red, but seems that the red leaves tend to change more than the others. The climate is slowly changing into a lower temperature, and the kids are now enjoying every minute outdoors before it gets too cold. They come outside with me, at least three times during the week to help rake up the leaves next to the driveway into big piles.

While they were in school, I raked up the biggest pile I could make, so by when my kids came home they could jump and play in it. I may not be the best person for comforting , but I knew how to make things fun. Twenty years ago, I had my son, and now it feels like I'm just now doing something right for once.

"Dad, when are we going to the fair? It's been going on for the whole week and up until the weekend" Alison asked me when she first came home from school.

"I'm not sure. Not tomorrow. I'll be busy, but I know that Saturday night will be perfect! " I told her in the nicest way possible to just for once, see that beautiful smile of hers.

To my great surprise, she smiled, revealing happiness and joy in those eyes. As she walked away I started to drop a tear. She looked just like my wife, Lucy. Her skin tone; light tan, and her eyes Hazel brown. Everything that she'd do only bring back memories of Lucy, and would always give me a bright smile. But of course, she never had every gene from her. Like me, she suffers from Depression and Anxiety. With Anxiety becoming her most uncontrollable fear factor. We'd always been scared about the fact of loosing her during her sleep, as I'd hear spontaneous loud breathing coming from her room during the night.

Concerned, I'd run to her room while my wife would be stuck in a deep lucid dream. Panicking, she'd wave at me to give her the water bottle from her dresser, but knowing what was better for her, would give her the inhaler. It started when she was around five years old, and they would get worse by the year. Ten years pass by, and she is now surprisingly doing much better. These moments.. These memories still haunt me to this very day, and will haunt me till the day I die, as I've now learned that anything can and will happen. You may ask me, how do you know? I don't know, I believe it. This defines the only word that comes to mind: Surmise.

Surmise describes the fact that I do not have any evidence to prove it, but rather my own personal thoughts that drives me to believe that it's true. That is what I suffer from throughout my whole life, but I don't ever believe it'll ever leave or change anything for that matter. Unfortunately, That is what drives us to become insane. Insane to a point where you yourself forget what position and responsibilities you have as your own person. Trust me when I tell you, I've learned this from experience, and I intend to now come to realization that I, myself can change. To make a change. To truly become forthright not only with your mind, but with your heart.

That's what changes us. Hope, and conviction. And that is what I'm trying to explain, that everyone can make a difference, not only to other people, but within yourself. I just wished I should've became ambitious about that belief, before all hell broke loose five years ago.