lost and insecure // larry stylinson

1. harry

Harry's point of view.

It feels as if my heart has been smashed, like glass, into millions of tiny tiny pieces. there's bits and pieces hidden in hard to find places, and although I can find the big obvious bits, it's impossible to clean it all up. I can cover up or deny that they are there, but they are there. They always will be.

I clamped my teeth over my bottom lip, squeezing my eyes shut tighter to hold in the tears that desperately wanted to spill.

But even when I close my eyes, the memory of the night before was on repeat in my head.

It was drilled into my skull. Tattooed in my soul. There was a constant reminder, the feeling was heavy and suffocating on my heart and chest.

I have cracked and crumbled until there was nothing left to break.

I stumbled out of the bed; the messy sheets getting tangled with my feet. I numbly bent down, leisurely slipping my feet out of the thin sheet.

My sweaty and stinky body was greeted by the cold draft that happen to come from the open window in the corner of the room.

The smell of him was everywhere and that made me ache even more.

As I dragged my quivering and weak body into the bathroom, I looked into the mirror to see the messy hair, that only reminded me of him.. which resulted in burning tears surfacing.

But I swallowed back the sob and turn on the sink. I spun the knob all the way to the right, waiting for the water to turn ice cold.

When it was, I cupped the chilly water in my hands, bending down, and splashing the cutting wintry water over my clammy face.

I shut the running water off before putting my dripping wet face with a towel. After turning the light off, I clambered back to my bed.

I buried my face into my pillow, pulling the blankets tighter around my aching body.

A whimper left my mouth when I breathed in the scent of him on my pillow.

The feeling of pain was unbearable, shooting through my body with an ever faint and sickening heartbeat.

My insides clenched and squirmed as it felt like my organs were being tangled together. It ripped through me making me want to cry out. My body felt like it was on fire, burning my flesh with a heart wrenching feeling. I wanted to scream, cry, to shout, anything that would let this pain ease.

But I couldn't move, I was immobilized, my body was chained down and I couldn't feel anything but the pain.

As I laid, curled in the pearl white duvet, I let the pain take over.

It felt as if it stopped at my chest, grabbing my heart and squeezing tightly. My chest feels constricted and I found it impossible to breathe.

But I didn't even put the effort into stopping it. I didn't gasp for air, or try to catch my breath. I didn't try to relieve it.

The pain coursed through my heavy body, ripping through me like knives slushing on my insides.

I wish I had never met him. I wish that I never fell hopelessly in love with him in the first few days of meeting him. I wish that I had never grown so attached and so accustomed to him. I wish I never met him but I did and I was never happier without him.

And now here I am, an empty void, a shell. Nothing laid between my image, I was just... dead.

My light has burnt out and the only thing left is this empty numbness.

What are you suppose to do with all the love you have for somebody if that person is no longer there? What happens to all that leftover love? Do you suppress it? Do you ignore it? Are you suppose to give it to someone else?

I could never love anybody else the way I love Louis. There is no possible way that my infatuation for him could be replaced.

I didn't want to move. I didn't to open my eyes. I didn't want to breathe. I didn't want to live.

What's the point of living if Louis doesn't love me anymore. What's the point of life without Louis?

A slight wave of nausea washed over me, making my already uneasy stomach flip and turn. I groaned, as I felt the need to vomit but couldn't find it in me to remove myself from this bed and walk to the bathroom.

I just wanted to die. I felt so ghostly. 

I can't find the correct words to describe how I feel right now, to be quite honest, but all I knew was I felt like someone snatched my life away from me and pulverized it until it no longer was a thing.

After what felt like hours, I deliberatly slipped out of the warm, delicate sheets. My bare feet hit the fridged hardwood floor, resulting in a wince and a whine.

It feels like a cold hard fracture in my chest. It feels as if it spread through my body, in slow drips aching with a slow pain.  I feel incredibly heavy, so heavy and tired.

I haven't consumed any substance of food in many hours. But it;s okay though, I don't feel hungry. I feel full. Full of nothing but a titanic weight that's crushing me softly, it's hard to think, like I'm spending my efforts and strength to stay conscious.

Sometimes I feel incredibly light-headed, and the pain gets sharper, cold like the winds on a snowy winters night, it goes through my spine, my heart the center of it all, a pulsing center of pain. 

There was no getting my now fragile body to quit quivering. Even my bones were cold. My heart was cold. I was literally empty.

As I made my way into the bathroom, my stomach flipped again and before I knew it I was hunched over the ivory colored toliet, emptying whatever was left in my stomach from the day before.

Tears slipped from my puffy eyes. It burnt, almost as if I was crying acid. Sobs, once again, split passed the barricade inside of me, the heavy emotions shaking my body.

One time when I was eight I slept over my friend's house and that night we held back his mom's hair as she got sick over a broken heart into a trashcan at the foot of her bed and I didn't understand how someone could be so sad but right now, lying on the bathroom floor getting sick over him, I do.