just my unorganized thoughts

quarantine

3/24/20

today is in quarantine. this is my stepdads second day of quarantine, we do not get along. he stayed in work last week, but now he is forced to be home. its causing me much stress. i had my weekend at my fathers house, so Monday and today were the days i had to spend near him. this morning, he woke me up instead of my alarm or my mother. scared the shit out of me, "get the hell up, why aren't you awake yet?" you'd get spooked too i'm sure. its not a pleasant thing to wake up to, its loud and he has a deep voice. he got angry with me for sleeping until 10. i was tired, i woke up around 1:30 AM hearing my little brother awake so i made sure he was okay and let him sleep in my room for the night. not that its an excuse for sleeping later, i mean. i think coop left my room around 7, hes a very early riser. but what bothered me was i quickly rolled out of bed and he walked out of my room. my room is right next to my sisters, she was still asleep. he was in her room to wake her up, but instead of yelling in at her to wake up, he walked in, bent down near her bed and kissed her forehead and cooed her awake. don't get me wrong i don't want to be kissed and cooed awake by Eric of all people. but it just stirs something in my chest to see how lesser i am. i came downstairs, told him about cooper waking up in the middle of the night so i could tell him the funny stuff cooper sleep-talked, and i was told off for not coming and getting them instead. cooper is 6 years old. this is far from the first time i've had cooper come and sleep with me to let my mom keep resting and he knows this. why its NOW a big deal i didn't come and get them instead i don't know. he is 6 years old, hes my little buddy boy. if he woke up for no reason and got scared of the dark or had a nightmare i know i want to be there for me because i know the hell he is going to go through growing up in this household. i don't want him to grow up becoming as sad and pinpointed as i feel. my stepbrother says when he was younger he got it much worse from my stepdad, which i can absolutely believe. some of his stories from when he was young are mildly terrifying and i feel lucky i didn't have to grow up in that type of fear. my stepbrother is 23. i've known him since he was about 16 and i was roughly 10. he has grown up successful, he has had recently 2 very successful jobs that pay him well. his father adores him and takes much pride in him, but i worry that because my stepbrother became so successful, he takes credit in it thinking his ways of raising a child were good. he says he doesn't yell at me as bad as he did as my stepbrother "because i'm a girl " and because my mother has tried to explain to him i'm more sensitive than he thinks. but since that "because i'm a girl" is part of his reasoning for being "soft" on me, i worry that my little brother is going to have to go through more than i do because hes a boy.

i was yelled at when i was doing my work on my laptop not even a full 20 minutes later. i forgot to take the bathroom trashes out yesterday. i am held responsible for doing dishes and taking out all the trash. and on trash night i need to rid of the 2 bathroom trashes and my stepdads beside trash as well. i forgot their trashes, and at first my mom stuck up for me. she told him it didn't matter because since she had been doing a full over clean of both bathrooms that weekend, there was no trash in them. but then he yelled at HER because "that doesn't matter, what matters is that she didn't even bother to check" which still confuses me a tad bit but its whatever i guess. he left all angry like after him and mom shot back and forth a little. he came back 5-10 minutes later holding up a big shopping bag of the trash my mom disposed of during her cleaning. to be completely honest i know i saw it in the hallway multiple times, but it didn't really register in my mind. i don't know if that's common, but i do it a lot and get the consequences of doing it later. is it normal? to just forget something or have it tossed to the back of your mind so fast? i don't know. but it sure gets me in trouble. i am a forgetful person.

i am not allowed in my bedroom. to specify, the past 3-4 years we have lived in this house and i got my own room, i haven't been allowed in it. i am allowed in there to sleep, and before/after my shower to get dressed. i'm not allowed because around the time it was still new i would draw or craft or read a little when i was SUPPOSED to be asleep. i deeply regret that choice, i still have no clue what went through my head but if i could go back and stop myself i would. he took my bedroom privileges and my door privileges. i am not allowed in my room to be a teenager and have my own space, and when i am in there i am not allowed to close my door. so when i sleep, my door is open. getting dressed, i close it the teeniest bit so it has at least a foot of the door opened so nobody can really look in unless they tried. i'm allowed in my room sometimes if i have a friend over or during my birthday party, but the friends over thing isn't often at all. i am rarely ever allowed to have someone over and i am never allowed to go anywhere. unless i scheme with the friend and we set a plan for them to text my mother to ask for me over( which is still just a 50/50 chance) i don't go anywhere. he puts on his nice guy act and says "you guys can go on up" and i'm left there looking dumb because it astounds me he can act so well when he tries . sometimes it makes me wonder, i know that most of my friends learn about my stepdad one way or another. the ones i've known longer most likely know from our middle school years. in middle school i was much more open to blabbing off about him, it made me feel good to get it off my mind and have people agree he was over-dramatic with certain things. of course i still find comfort in people talking and telling me hes no good. but difference is now i don't feel like i have the energy to talk. i quit therapy for that reason. i just cant find the energy in me to bring it up anymore unless its RIGHT after something happens with him and i'm upset. one time he yelled at me for something silly on the way to school because i missed the bus. my alarm clock broke so i had to get a new one, but since i didn't know how to use the new one yet i did something wrong and it didn't go off. he yelled saying my broken alarm clock has only been an excuse these past few days, when, REALLY my alarm clock was broken. i loved that alarm clock, i wanna say i had it roughly 6 years? i think. i was in my early years of middle school when i got it and my brother was only an infant. so it really wasn't a big surprise it was starting to go out. but i wouldn't poise my alarm clock was broken and ask my mom hurry out to get a new one, honestly i hate getting new alarm clocks because everything is so complicated now in times, so many buttons and tunes to choose and wake up to. it takes me a long time to figure out an alarm clock even after reading over the instructions 4 times and putting in an effort to sit and learn. the old one i could just reach over and glide my fingers over the right button no problem. this sounds ridiculous, but its been a few months and i still don't know how to do anything on the new alarm clock. iv'e already forgotten how to set my alarms, goodie me. so now even though were in quarantine and i don't need to get up so early, i haven't turned them off because i don't want to be sent to the counselor as soon as i walk in the building again. i tried so hard to hold back my tears trying to log in to the main office, but i couldn't. during that car ride he yelled and insulted me the entire way to school, and when i cried he told me somewhere along the lines of "stop crying, you don't want to go to school looking like that do you?" no i didn't, but i didn't have much of a choice. well maybe i did, i don't know. if i could have just woken up on time or tried harder to make sure he didn't get to me on the way there. i looked horrible that day.

i think my stepdad is also a little homophobic. i am gay. and he treats the entire thing like a phase even though i know its definitely not. i started off thinking i was probably bi for like, a year, but at that time i wanted nothing to do with dating as a whole. but then i got really tight with my closest male friend at the time, and we went out for 2 months. most awkward 2 months ever. my best friend talked with me and i fessed to her that it really didn't feel right. very awkward, anxious, he kissed me once and it was more of a i-have-no-choice because it was in some weird cubby hole in the back of the gym. i didn't like it. but i did realize through that time just how much i appreciated my best friend, and how much i really didn't like guys. i always found myself looking at girls, they were always on my mind, and i really found i treated all my male friends more as if i was one of them. to be fair i grew up as a bit of a tomboy. scratch that dude i would roll in mud and scare people with frogs and toads and if someone tried to mess with me i bit them or beat the shit out of them. i rarely cried if i got hurt, i didn't care. unless it hurt really bad i would tuff it out. i was always getting scratched and torn up playing outside, climbing trees. giving my mom a heart attack. it was nice. i did realize that through the time i was figuring myself out, how much affection i had grown for my best friend. she was beautiful and lovely to talk to. i always had fun talking to her and i trusted her more than anyone. it was a different type of affection, i realized, than what i had for my dude friend. and when i told him i thought i was a lesbian i broke it as gently as i could. i didn't want to hurt his feelings, but deep inside i knew and felt this really wasn't how it was supposed to be for me. i fell in real love this time with my best friend and she felt the same way

for anyone, who first off is actually reading this, its just a bunch of my unorganized thoughts, memories, and feelings so i can get it off my mind easier than old tendencies. its something new i want to try, ill post just because. maybe it'll feel good to put it to the public, i don't care if anyone reads this or not. but whatever, if you do thanks for reading to the end