Dealing With Demons

Tightness

I never thought I'd get tightness.
I never thought I would let her get a hold of me but somehow she has managed to sneak her way into my life.

No matter how much I refused!!

She thinks she can show up unannounced and steal all the oxygen I have left?

Apparently so.
She makes me feel nervous all the time.
On edge.

Watching.
Observing.
All day. Every day.

Tightness is annoying.
Tightness is fast and painful and scary and I hate her.

Mama said I should never let tightness take over.
She told me I got to choose how I felt.
She told me that I knew how to push her away and keep her out, it was easy.

Look how well that turned out.

. . .

I'm nervous again, why? I haven't even gotten out of bed yet, I don't have homework, I'm in a relatively good mood today which is a nice change.
Why does she keep doing this to me?

It's almost as if me being content is something to get anxious about.
Why can't she just let me be happy?

. . .

Tightness' favourite thing to do is make me breathe quickly and feel light-headed.
Well, it must be her favourite thing, she does it to me all the time.
She makes me overthink everything and overthink it all too quickly and I suddenly don't remember how to think and now someone is trying to speak to me and they asked me a question and I'm starting to panic because I didn't hear them and they're expecting a response but I don't know what to say so I don't say anything and they're walking away and I don't know what happened and..
My eyes glaze over and I feel numb.
What is she doing to me?
I was never like this before.

. . .

A friend I had spoken to mentioned how closely related Blanket and Tightness were and that's probably why I'm feeling Tightness in the first place.
That made sense to me, I just wish it didn't apply.
I don't want Tightness.
I don't like it when she hangs around my chest.
That's where she spends most of her time.
If she's not in my chest, she's clenching my fists or my teeth.
Whatever she does and wherever she spends her time, she always makes my bones and lungs ache.
There's never a moment during the day that makes me think I'd miss her if she ever left.

. . .

Tightness stole my air during recess so I had to run off to someplace where other people wouldn't notice me trying desperately to get it back.
She's such a cruel snake of a thing, constricting my lungs, causing me to feel dizzy.

I hate her.

. . .

When I'm in bed, Tightness isn't so bad unless I've had a bad day.
Which is every day so she's always a pain.
But, she's exceptionally difficult to manage if there have been fights and arguments that cause me to be on edge, even more so if I'm in bed and they're still happening.

I don't like when she hangs around at bedtime, if anything, that's when I need her gone the most.
Just so I can get a bit of rest for once.

. . .

Most people wake up feeling rested.
I never really wake up, I just fade back into the reality of the sun seeping through my window after a long night of swaying between consciousness and unconsciousness.
As per the norm.
Another day, another tight feeling in my body.
Here we go again.

. . .

End of term is approaching, homework is being piled on since school is out early because of the virus going around the globe.
That doesn't help keep Tightness under control, that's exactly what gives her control.

This virus has given Tightness complete power over me.
Whenever she sees the virus on the news, she squeezes my lungs.
Trying desperately to gain control again, I pull her into my room to shut her off from the rest of the world and all the worrying information it holds.
When I finally convince her to let go of my lungs, she moves to my teeth that feel welded together by the sheer strength she hands out so willingly.

. . .

I do not like Tightness.
This absolute terror of an occurrence never gave any warning before coming.
She was never meant to be here.
I just wish she would give me a bit of space.
Leave me be in my previous world that existed before she showed up because I don't like the one I'm living in now that she's arrived and settled in.
There are other issues that I have been dealing with for a while, but..
She is an unwelcome new addition to my family of demons and I want her gone.
Eradicated!
Just like the rest of them should be.