Then and Now⏺️

Chapter 4: As We Risk Falling

December 2012

    “You can’t avoid him forever.”

    Dylan eyed her friend, feigning a confused expression. She knew the him Katie was referring to but she’d rather not say it. “And by him, you mean?”

    Katie rolled her eyes at Dylan as she grabbed the pot of coffee by the sink. “You know I have nothing against you spending Christmas with me. But won’t two Christmases in a row, a New Year, and Noah’s graduation be cutting it just a little too close?” She poured a cup for Dylan too before they sat down on the sofa.

    Her roommate was right. Dylan has never spent a Christmas away from her family. It was too important. But last year was just too much for her and she couldn’t even bear looking at Peter, much less spend an entire holiday with him. She would be lying if she said what happened didn’t bother her or even hurt her. But it did.

  She spent the rest of last year, avoiding him. No matter how much she hated flying, she volunteered for every photography project she could get her hands on. She was scared mostly, that emotional and vulnerable she was, that he’d just call her to ask how she was doing and she’d end up revealing a few years’ worth of all her pent-up feelings. Nothing like a good textbook I-fell-in-love-with-my-bestfriend confession to end a friendship. She couldn’t risk that.  And it would be unfair for her to pour all that out to Peter in mere seconds.

    Dylan carefully placed her cup down, her fingers stringing together. If anything, she’s glad to have found Katie during middle school. She knew how her friendship with Peter was taking a different turn. While it breaks her heart in little ways how slowly they drifted apart, she needed to learn to live without him. She has to.

“My parents would understand,” she reasoned. While it took a lot of convincing, they let her gather her thoughts at her own time. She hasn’t come up with another excuse to use this year but she can if needs to.

    Katie breathed deeply and looked at Dylan intently. “Dyl, just because they didn’t get hissy fits last year doesn’t mean they’ll be fine about you skipping this year again. And do you really think he’d keep away this time around?” She pointed at the telephone by the table. “He almost blew a fuse off the voice machine with the number of messages he left last year.”

    Dylan gulped nervously. She listened to all his voice mails, read his text messages, even emails—all ranging from “Is everything okay? Answer my calls please,” “What the hell is going on Dylan?” to “I’m coming down to Key West Dylan, this isn’t fucking funny.” She had to do a temporary damage control by allowing her parents to handle it. She phoned them a brief yet vague explanation, and didn’t ask anymore questions.

     “I’ll think about it, okay? I just can’t go there without a plan.” She shook her head lightly. Her parents were disappointed about her not spending Christmas with them, and she knew better than to be selfish again. And it’s not like Peter knew what was going on. No matter how messed up her feelings are, he was still her best friend. And for the most part, he deserves to know. “He’s going to want some answers and I don’t know how I could tell him. “

    Katie offered a small smile and put a hand on her shoulder. “Well, you have two weeks before Christmas so think about it. I’d be there for you if my sister wouldn’t drag me by the hair if I missed my first niece’s Christmas,” she stated apologetically. “And I know it isn’t my place to tell, but Dylan, if he’s really your friend, I’m sure he’d understand. Didn’t you say he made you promise that you’d tell each other everything? How is this any different?”

    Dylan feigned a smile and put her head down. “I’m sure confessing how much I loved him all these years is not what he had in mind when he said that.” The thought of even hinting to Peter what she really felt for him scared the shit out of her. Would he even believe her when she admits to having spent all these years finding a different man who can even come close to what he made her feel? Even in her head, it sounds crazy. “What if I do tell him and he hates me for it?” Dylan cradled her head between her hands. “That’s one heartache I don’t think I’ll survive.”