Healing

Breakdowns

I've been in multiple mental breakdowns here and there in 2 years.
And I still do.
This week, 2 days in a row.
Why?
Simple, because I am not enough.
And I can never be.

How do I let this pain go?
That's a question I've been asking myself since this started
How long do I keep it inside?
Till it burns from the inside?
Or till it kills me?
It does, slowly.

Why do I keep on bottling up my feelings?
Why am I afraid of being vulnerable, at least in front of my parents?
Why I never open up?
Question is, until when?
Until I fucking die with these thoughts?

These disruptive thoughts are very powerful,
Intimidating, scary, yet addictive at the same time
It keeps on spiraling in my head
It keeps on circulating, running
The constant flow almost got me breathless
Almost got me choked on my own

It sucks that I have no one to talk to,
Only to the Creator,
It sucks that I am alone in the journey when somebody else put me into it
Really? Or, do I put myself in this?
Was forced, now have to struggle,
Alone, no one by my side.

Wish I could tell you how fucked up the system is,
Wish I could tell you I am tired,
Stressed out, worn-out,
Wish I could tell you how hard life is nowadays,
Wish I could tell you I was not happy here,
Most importantly, wish I could tell you how badly I wanted to get the hell out of here,
Wish I could tell you earlier that I don't want this.
I did, but I was not firm enough

Wish I could.. talk to you,
Share with you how I feel,
Share with you how I survive,
Share with you my struggles,
Share with you every little thing about my life,
So I don't have to carry the burden alone

I made a lot of mistakes in life,
And this, too, shall remain as one
And somehow along the way, I got lost
I have no idea where I'm going
I have no idea of what will happen,
What future holds,
Though they said my future is guaranteed.
Given the reassurance, I still am confused
And the gut to refuse is real
I just don't like who I'm going to be
You can lecture me for hours that being a teacher is a noble job, I agree (never said no tbh)
But this heart, here, wants what it wants.
This heart doesn't want to take it.
This heart refuse to accept with full acceptance.

I'm so close to giving up,
But I stop myself,
Again,
Because of you.
I used to think, this is what you want, I should just follow because why not?
Now, I desperately wanted to leave
Because it is torturing me
If only I didn't think of you or where I would be if I am not there, I would have given up

I thought it would be okay,
I will just take my time,
I'm still new here,
I'll get used to it,
But my days everyday are full with thoughts,
With the 'what ifs' scenarios,
And I am seriously affected by these.
What if these thoughts don't go away?
After years?
What if the guilt remains?
What if I still don't have that fire?
Because I couldn't even get myself firewoods now

What if I didn't fail,
Guess life would have been far better, right?
Maybe and just maybe it would be, who knows?

I must have made you frustrated right?
I made myself disappointed, too
I thought I can get away with it
Yet it backfired
I thought this would go away too in time
Sadly it's not happening nowhere near now

Of all things,
I just want to feel enough.
For anyone,
Be it friends or even family members.
Even to my own self,
I know I am not.
But, make me feel like I am.

Of all things,
The words I really wanted to hear from you,
Thank you for trying your best
Thank you for your hard work
How was your day?
How was life?
Is it hard?
Is this what you want?
Things will be better soon
How the system works?
Are you tired?
Are you not well?
You did well.
Great job!
That's so great!
It'll be okay.
You'll be just fine.

I know maybe these lines are not spoken into words, but showed through actions.
But I need that reassurances,
I really do.

I just somehow wish this pain can be shared
So that I won't feel so lonely carrying this alone
So that I won't feel scared of what's coming
So that I learn how love can actually heal

Part of me blame you,
Some other blame myself,
Like I said,
I keep on making mistakes,
And I don't know how or where to fix
And I need your help
Sadly you were not there
Physically yea you were
And
I keep on jumping into new problems,
And couldn't find the way out

Of all things,
I wish I still have the courage to go through the next day,
And the next day,
And the next next day,
And I hope,
On my worst days,
I am still able to breathe though it might be hard
Or I might actually be hoping you would be by my side supporting me
Maybe,
And just maybe I can accept this actually,
But I just needed someone to talk to.
Someone to share.
Someone to lean on.
Someone to be vulnerable with.

Life is hard for everyone,
The struggle is undeniably real,
After all, we are all in the same battle, just dealing with different shits

Sending massive love to anyone who needs it.

I know,
Some might say,
"Just deal with it. You have nowhere else to go. Finish what you've started."
—I am completely aware of the fact aforementioned, hence why I'm being nosy about it 😔🤘🏻
Had I had other options,
Of course, I'd choose that option,
Why would I be bitching here 🤷🏻‍♀️

I wish I can vent to you,
And cry,
And just be completely honest and vulnerable to you,
I wish.