Healing

Regret

I hate it.
I hate talking about it.
And, I avoid talking about it.
Because it sucks.

Regret is a very powerful feeling.
Which I regret having to feel regret for things like this.

How do I stop saying things to myself?
When will I accept whoever I am right now?

Sometimes it goes like, fuck, I should be there.
I need to be there.
I worked my ass off during my spm days,
Only to end up like this.
It was never a plan.
Not even a single thought.

It was my fault to begin with,
That's why I break so hard,
Because stupid me still keep on doing the same mistakes over and over.

And heck, I did not know how to open up.
I wish I could.
At least they know what I'm going through.

O lord,
If someday I really cannot commit to this,
Send me a way out,
Show me the solution.

I swear if this upcoming 4 years are gonna be like this,
I'd be depressed.

I know it's not good/right to feel this way.
As if I didn't trust His plan,
I'm so sorry,
It's not that I didn't trust, maybe because I still couldn't see what's the good behind all this

I stayed, because of them.
I wanted to ask you,
Are you happy with who I am now?
Are you still mad?
Still frustrated?
Because I still am.
I wanted to go to university.
I envied my friends.
I still love them though,
Yet sometimes,
This bittersweet feeling,
Just somehow found its way in,
I am happy for them, genuinely.
Just, wishing that, I could be there as well.

I hate how it is so easy for me to put on a mask,
Paint a freaking smile on my face,
When the truth is I wasn't happy,
With the choice that I myself have made.

I hate how I could be laughing the entire day,
Only to bawl my eyes out at night.
Why don't I just let them see it?
Why don't I just let them feel it?
That's what family are for, right? No?