Yum [Jikook] (Hold)

5

When the party's over- Billie Eilish (This was the song I was listening to while writing this, I think it goes pretty well!)

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How would you describe anger with a single word?

Would it be rage?

Irritation?

Maybe annoyance?

Well, you know what, you're wrong because they're all synonyms to anger.

So then how would one describe anger using a single word?

Simple.

Pain.

Didn't expect that huh?

Truth is, the root of one's anger, is pain. Maybe someone took the last cookie from the packet you bought, or you saw the love of your life fucking with your best friend. It could not even be what someone did to you, but what you did to yourself or another person or thing. If one thinks very deep enough about their anger, it all traces back to a sensible nerve in the heart that shattered at the same second they saw something, maybe even heard it, that instead of dwelling with tears to not show how it hurts it transforms into a boiling sensation of rage.

And one starts to think at that moment "well I didn't do anything wrong, so I have every right to be mad."

"They're the one's that fucked up."

"They should've known better."

"I should've known better."

Fingers are being pointed, guilt is weighing heavy, and then comes down to when you're in your room alone..... Where the flame of the anger is diminishes.... Now you're left with the emptiness of the pain.

Just.... Pain.

That's the thing with anger, the pain's own personal mask, it's almost like a defense trigger. When you want to avoid sadness, anger seems like the easier option to not feel. So you're left curling up into a ball, squeezing your shaking legs to your chest, tears of the burning ache sliding down your blotchy cheeks as you try to cling onto that anger just so it would stop hurting your soul that is crying to feel something.... Anything.

It's much easier than letting your heart feel the full impact of the pain.

Jungkook has experienced many moments like that while growing up. Moments where he would rather be filled with complete rage than face his heart that's shattering to pieces. There's many things that still hasn't been processed in his mind as a memory, more so as a defense mechanism. Sometimes he would drop to the ground at triggering moments, curl up like a soft kitten with harsh whimpers escaping his quivering lips, letting the horrid memories storm his mind as if he's living it in the present. He's not scared, more so angry.

He's furious.

An anger to mask his pain, just to not feel.

Within time he's gotten better at that while being on this job. His emotions almost became immune, close to nothing at all. His panic or anxiety attacks has been something of the past, and now he's just a monotone doll with limbs.

However tonight..... Tonight was different.

You see, there's often triggers that can throw open a silver of memory, reopen a wound, barge the doors of emotions to sweep through every cell in one's body to feel completely paralyzed, almost unable to breath.

Scratch that, you can't breath.

Breathing became your best friend that turned their backs on you, a fatal stabbing the back.