It all started that foggy Tuesday morning. I was heading to the local coffee shop to teach young girls about witchcraft.
I was riding my bike, and grinding against the seat cushion to get myself off on the way there, and then all of a sudden, my bike flew out from underneath me and I flew into the air, hitting the pavement with a thud.
Hot tears flooded my eyes and poured down my face as I struggled to hold in the spray. I was weak and I mustered the rest of my strength to flip myself over and face the sky, laying on my back. My vision blurred, my hearing muffled, and the last thing I saw before I blacked out was a shade of green taking up all of my vision.
I woke up to the sound of whispering in my ear. My eyes shot open and couldn't believe what they saw.
A giant cucumber was laying next to me on a bed I had never been in before.
"Who are you?" I asked.
"You don't know who I am? I was the star of a Christian television show for kids, Veggie Tales. I'm Larry the Cucumber." He replied.
"I don't understand, how are you real?" I questioned.
"I always was real. Now let this cool cucumber take care of you." He said.
He got a Bible from his shelf and started reading his favorite verses to me. It made me sick. The Bible said nothing about my actual religion's savior, Jesaucy, God's daughter and Jesus's sister. I couldn't stop myself from feeling flushed with anger and I slapped Larry across his smooth green face.
"How could you? After I saved you from the street?" He shouted.
"I didn't ask you to save me! And you think you're all that just because you're a cucumber. But guess what, you can't make me a Christian no matter how hard you try." I replied.
"You think I don't have any control over you?" He exclaimed, his cucumber eyes flushed with anger. I hate to admit it but he looked kinda hot when he was mad.
"Not unless you can prove it." I responded, casually letting the straps of my tank top fall off my shoulders.
I could see his little cucumber grow at the sight of my bare skin. I don't think he had ever touched a human before.
He inched closer, silent as has his bathrobe failed at covering his vegetable erection. He leaned over me on the bed and I could smell his seeds.
"You're such a little slut. Stop trying to seduce me and make me leave my Lord." He said through gritted teeth.
Instead of saying anything, I pulled the ties of his bathrobe open, and his erectile cucumber flesh bounced in front of me.
"I hate you, for doing this to me." He said again.
"And I hate you, for saving my life so you could convert me." I replied.
His little green face got closer to mine, and his breath was hot and heavy.
"I think you'd be surprised at how much of a sinner a little cucumber like me could be." He whispered.
"Show me then Larry." I replied.
"Call me... Daddy Pickle." He said with a smirk.
Not one second passed after that before he ripped his bathrobe off and started making out with me. His tongue was cold and wet and nothing like anything I had experienced before. He ripped my clothes off in one swift motion, both shocking and wettening me.
He left cold kisses down my body and took a whiff of my precious pearl before saying, "You don't smell like a vegetable. You're sweet like cherry pie, and cherry's my favorite."
He gobbled me up like I was his favorite dessert and instantly I was in luv, but also in hatred.
"Fuck me Daddy Pickle!" I shouted, not being able to hold back anymore.
His cold brittle hands picked me up and bent me over. I arched my back like I had stage 4 scoliosis and awaited his pickle love.
He then proceeded to pound me into the headboard of his cheap bed and screamed my name. We were getting so into it until I heard a little voice from the corner of the room say, "Larry?"
I turned around shocked. The voice came from a little Asparagus. He looked on astonished yet intrigued. His little asparagus stumps were all in the right places, and suddenly I craved vegetables more than I ever had before.
"Who are you?" I asked, with Larry still inside of me.
"My name is junior asparagus, and I'm 8." He peeped back.
I looked at Larry and he already knew what I was asking. He nodded in response.
"Asparagus, come over here on the bed. I wanna show you a few things." I said motioning him to come over.
I directed him so that his asparagus love machine was placed above my mouth, and Larry could still ruin my holes. I grabbed Asparagus's green shaft and placed it in my mouth making him groan a little veggie groan.
We continued our three-way until Larry and Asparagus came at the same time, covering me in vegetable juice and seeds. It was magical.
Asparagus was love struck and asked if he could stay in Larry's bed with him and I, and of course I obliged.
That night I went to bed with Larry the Cucumber on my right, and Junior Asparagus on my left, making a veggie sandwich. My heart was beating fast with love for the both of them, and finally, I realized, God must be real for this to happen. And that's how I became a Christian.
