Experiment #1: Taking Charge

Chapter 2: UNSURE

At this point, as I ride the second bus up north I start to realise what crazy and reckless thing I've done. What was I thinking? Did I really think I would survive living by myself without having any source of income or atleast a friend to call? Money was always the issue. Ive only got enough to last me atleast a week. Perhaps 2 more days if my back pay was to be deposited but thats it. Im dead ass broke.

I look out the window thinking real hard if I were to go through with this. A part of me feels a lot like Im throwing away the life I've worked so hard for, but the other part of me, the one thats been repressed most of my life, longs for whats to come. Its been a while since I've gone on a trip. Been a while since I've watched the waves and felt the warm salt water touch my skin. An ever so freeing feeling.

"we are nearing 7/11 Bernabe bus stop" The bus driver hollers informing the passengers.

I look  ahead to try to catch a glimpse of the 7/11 sign. Its right outside a park. Should I get off here? Mindlessly biting on my nails. I chastise myself and force my hand down. Its one of the bad habits i've yet to outgrow.

I look at the elderly lady infront of me and contemplate if perhaps I can ask her how close we are to the last stop. I contemplate against it then just leave the thought.

"To those who wish to take a toilet break, now is your time. We'll only stay here for 10 minutes and the bus will leave." the driver once again hollers from his seat.

I look out the window and see a  swarm of street vendors offering different merchandise. They've got dried goods, drinks, clips, native bags and plenty more.  It was quite loud for my liking and so i decide to get off the bus for a bit. I survey my surrounding and decide to explore the park just behind the bus stop. Making sure to stay where I am still able to see the bus.

The park  didn't have anything special about it. It had the usual monkey bar and swing for kids. There was a statue of, what I assume was, a hero. I see one family on a picnic and the rest were kids and lovers. It was timeless. The usual memories you have of childhood. That certain phase in your life where you don't have a sense of time. You wake up with the sole purpose of repeating the games you played yesterday and then you wake up not really knowing when it ended.

I feel sad for the young me. If only she knew how things turned out, would she have held on the illusion that time will make things better?

I am taken off the trance when I feel my phone vibrate. I look to see who it was. It was Six. I take a breath and mentally prepare myself.

"hello six" i whisper on the phone.

"jan, where are you? I saw the note you left for your parents. Have you gone crazy? You cant run away!" I can hear the extent of his annoyance.

Understandably so. We've known each other for 5 years and I can read him like the back of my hand.

"Calm down six," i scratch the back of my head trying to find the words to better explain the situation.

"I also dont understand why I'm doing this. I guess you can call it instinct? I have to do something for myself or I'll live wondering what if"

"the bus is leaving in 5 minutes " I hear the driver announce.

I hear him sigh on the other end.

"I understand what you mean"
you dont.

I start to walk back to the bus.

"but you can't just up and leave like that, Jan! Tell me where you are and Ill pick you up. Ill get rid of the note and lets end this nonsense."

I grumble in frustration. How can someone I know so much not know me. Or perhaps, I really don't? How can someone know me, the real me, when I myself dont.

"Heres the thing, Six, I cant. I need to do this. Just give me atleast 2 weeks to know how its like to not be me"  i can hear him on the other end but his words are muffled.

"Jan," I hear the plea in his voice but I dont let him finish. Im afraid I wont be able to say no again.

"give me 2 weeks, Six. Just 2 weeks and then we'll start planning the wedding"

I know he wants to retort, but I also know Ive got him.

"okay" i hear his resigned voice on the other end.

"I love you, Jan. Please take care"

"I will. Good bye, Six." I end the call and pocket my phone. Satisfied that I, although doubtful, atleast have an ally.   I climb up the bus and get back to my seat. This time I sit beside someone. A tall man in his late 30s. He was so big that its hard for someone to miss him. His thighs were twice mine and Im not a lean lady.  He had a beard and his long hair was tied. He had a black shirt, worn out jeans and boots. He wasn't sore to the eyes. He actually looked –

Hot.

I mentally bang my head on a table.

How can I think of such thing when Im out here in the middle of no where trying to figure out my life. Not to mention I just got off the phone with my soon-to-be-husband.

I sigh and stare back outside the window. The farther we got the more I see underdeveloped areas. Trees everywhere. There were house still but far in between.

I feel a tug on my sleeves and I look to the man beside me.

"yes?"

He gestures to the back of his wrist and I take it as him asking for what time it is.

i reach for my phone to check but its not there. My eyes widen in shock still looking at the stranger. I frantically check my other pocket and my bag, but my phones no where to be found. It must have fallen off. Dumb luck.

I take a deep breath before saying, " I lost my phone".

I awkwardly laugh.

"I actually just found out" i laugh again. I guess, its how its gonna be. In a way, I'll take it as a good sign. It was the only thing left that anchored me to that life.

I lean back on my chair more relaxed and with a lingering smile. I look out the window enjoying the scenery.

" soul searching?" i hear him ask. Voice rough and firm.

I look back at him and smile before responding, "I guess so."