Rebirth

Chapter 2

A deafening noise, like an explosion, it isolates me from the rest of the world. I can't hear a thing. Now the bright thing is again in front of me, or is it below me? Or maybe over me?, it's hard to know. I see hundreds; no, thousands, maybe millions of tiny little see through spherical things, coming up from behind my back and going away from me. I know: it's the water, it's the air bubbles. They grow farther from me so slowly that I might be able to count them. They leave free. As though each and every one of the bubbles were a universe, an idea, a responsibility, a lie, a truth, places in another space and time, a desicion that leaves and frees me. And I feel so light now, so released, relieved...and I feel like crying, and I don't hold the tears back.

I cry because I feel free: no family, no job, no friends, no responsibilities, nothing to tie me to anything. And I see the universes go towards the shine, I see both, truths and lies sneaking through my fingertips, the decisions exploding by the glare...yes, I feel free and I cry because I'm happy. Free, ideep into the unknown. It would be perfect if it were the sea.

The void is broken by explosions near me. I see silhouettes. I feel strong hands getting hold of my arms and neck. I can't move so that I can break free. It all happens so slowly, and yet I long for speed urges me to get away from those hands. Can't you see I don't want to leave? Leave me alone! Now I'm crying in despair. I sem. to react. The pills and the whiskey did not do a good job, I'm afraid. I feel myself pulled out, driven towards the shine. Please...don't...I'm so close. No. Go away! Damn it! Leave me alone you son of a bitch! What the fuck do you know? GO AND LEAVE ME FUCKING ALONE! FUCK YOU ALL! GO THE FUCK AWAY!

I can't talk. My body does not answer. I only see universes comino back to me, I see the shine closer, I hear the ones pulling me out murmuring. My hands are out of the water, I already feel the cold of the breeze in my skin; and even so, I try to resist so that I'm not taken out of the water; but I can't, my body will simply not respond, no matter how hard I try, I can't say a word or muve a muscle.

My face is reaching the surface in no time, and my cry is now desperation. My whole life has been doing what it is supposed to be done, tied to honor my word and the feeling of helpnessless to see others live in a way thy don't deserve...; but, who am I to judge? It's me, and I judge regarding my values, what I have learned...and what I learned is that I don't want to live, that I hate life from the guts, I learned that I want to be left alone once and for all...and I scream inside when I feel the breeze on my face. No, no,no. Son of a...they make me be born again, and I don't want it. I just want to leave, I want to leave this life I never wanted. Why am I being given an opportunity I never asked for in the first place? This is the only selfish thing that I've ever done for myself: by myself and for mysel, and you, mother fuckers, you're taking it all away Damn you all...

My body is cold. They slap me on the face to get me react. It feels like someone's fondling me. Mom's fondles. It's the only thing I would ever miss from this world. Voices call me, they cry me from far away; and I just want them to leave alone. Let me die. Let me go.

The beeping of the pulse machine, the needles stuck in my arms, and the mask to help me breathe, they all tell me I was saved. I was reborn. I was damned. I cry in silence, as I am tired of this all. I don't want to go on, but I guess my curse is that: to live a life I don't want. To fight fights I'd rather lose. To breathe air that slowly kills me. To be a number, to be man, a husband, a parent, a friend, an enemy, a ...whatever. I have no goals, except to meet death when he picks me up, and finally frees me from this all.