I was writing Bio notes, but I decided to stop. Do we really have to pass this? I don't want to spend all my time doing it. We're scholars, and I know that. We're students, and I am also aware of that. I know it's our responsibility. Plus, it's for us to learn while being in quarantine.
However, I kind of don't want to do it. I just want to finish reading that book I bought. I just want to cook some food in order to satisfy my hunger. I just want to watch those Netflix shows and movies I've been looking forward to watching. I just want to dance to some songs. I just want to rest.
The only thing holding me back from doing those is everything the teachers gave us. They assign some things to us and then, they tell us that there is no definite deadline yet. BUT, we still have to make all of it because anytime, they can ask for it. It just doesn't make any sense. When online classes were suspended, they told us that we can learn life skills while being in quarantine. My only question is, "How?" How are we supposed to do that when all of the subjects are giving us some tasks to do?
What's worse is that some subjects assign tasks that are difficult to do. Take note, these tasks are a lot, and not only one subject is doing it too. There are several subjects that did this. It is so frustrating.
They said that if the situation does not improve soon, then our 4th Quarter grade will be the same as our grade from the previous quarter.
I don't like what's happening in the country right now. I know no one else does. The number of cases are rising rapidly, and that is, indeed, frightening.
I asked someone if he thinks the situation will improve in two weeks. He answered that he doesn't think so. The situation is becoming worse, and it might take more than that for us to recover from this pandemic. I also thought of the same thing, but I'm still worried. What if I wake up one day receiving notifications from teachers saying that everything must be submitted within that day? That is horrible! I don't want to experience that.
Last night, I dreamt of being unprepared for a Biology Exam. I'm so glad I woke up. In my dream, I was procrastinating, and I did some last-minute studying with a friend. The topics were lengthy, moreover, there were a lot of terms. I was already panicking. I had no idea on how I will absorb everything. I was becoming teary-eyed.
I already had some past experiences wherein I procrastinated and I was unprepared for a test, but that was even worse.
It's weird though. I knew I was dreaming. I even thought to myself, "This is just a dream. I should just wake up so that I can stop experiencing this. This dream is horrifying."
I shared this with my friends immediately after I woke up. This is for the reason that I would probably forget the significant events which took place if I decided to do it later.
It wasn't until now when I decided to search the possible interpretation of that dream. Based on my research, "It can represent a feeling or fear of being unprepared or unready for something."
It's true. I have been worrying about the deadline of the requirements. I fear that I might be unprepared when they give us the definite deadline.
I also have a fear of being unprepared for something else. It makes me sad that before, I don't really worry about it this much, but now, I can't get rid of the thought.
I think it's because of what happened. Perhaps I'm just scared that it'll happen again, and we never anticipated it, just like before. I fear that we might end again which is why I can't get the thought out of my mind, and I keep on talking about it.. About what we can do in case it happens again.
I opened the Messenger app on my phone. My friend and I talked about what we did while in quarantine, and we also talked for a bit about the requirements in the group chat.
I went back to writing notes, then I checked Messenger. My heart felt like it was being squeezed. I went back to writing notes, but tears were already forming causing my vision to blur. I still continued writing notes despite that though. Unfortunately, I couldn't focus anymore. I made a mistake while writing, so I decided to stop.
Why am I crying? Can I just stop? My eyes are always suffering. I want them to rest. I want them to, at least, experience a day free from crying. I pity myself so much already.
I continued to cry. I looked at my reflection and begged myself, "Can you.. please... stop crying?" I'm so tired already. It hurts seeing myself this pathetic and sad. This is not me.
After a while, I finally stopped. I wiped my tears then I drank water.
Is this why I like facial tissues so much? Is it because I keep crying? Is it because they are the ones that wipe my tears and remove all signs of sadness and frustration? Is it because I'm such a crybaby these past few weeks? Gosh.
