Dazed and Confused

Excerpt

"Karmen..." he said out of nowhere,

"Yeah?" I asked as my heart warmed up to the sound of him saying my name.

"Can I ask you something?"

"I mean-" as he interrupted me.

"And can you be honest?"

My ears started to burn and my hands started to sweat. I know exactly what he's about to ask me. I've hinted it before, and he just asked me about it like 10 minutes ago. Shit.

"It depends what it is," I said nervously.

We sat in silence for probably a minute or so before he actually spit it out.

"Do you... do you love me?"

My stomach filled with butterflies and a warmth flushed across my entire body. Hearing him say that word made me so scared and happy at the same time. I don't know what's wrong with me right now. This has never happened before. I was scared.

I was scared to tell him or admit to him anything because I didn't want to push him away or make him think that things were moving too quickly. I couldn't fathom ever losing this man. So, I sat in silence, thinking of how to word whatever it is that was jumbled up in my head right now. My thoughts were racing faster than my heart. What do I say? I'm fucked.

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to," he said.

He was so curious. I could hear it in his voice.

"Okay..." I mumbled.

"Does that mean that you don't want to?" He asked sadly.

"I mean.. I don't know."

"You don't know.. if you love me?" He questioned.

I was at a loss for words at this point. What do I do? Maybe I can put it off since he said I don't have to tell him. I'll just change the subject like he always does.

We sat in silence for a few more minutes. I couldn't even talk because I was so anxious and scared at this point. It felt like I was going to have a panic attack, honestly.

"Hello? What are you doing?" he asked anxiously.

"Just thinking of... how to word." God, I sound so stupid sometimes.

"How to what?" He asked confused.

"How to word — I'm thinking of what to say."

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to..." he said again.

I know he's just saying that to take the pressure off of me. But he actually wants to know. Why else would he have asked? I started thinking about why he wanted to know, though. So, I asked.

"Why does it even matter, Drew?" I asked a little frustrated. After all we've been through, why the hell does it matter now?

"I mean, it doesn't."

Ouch. That hurt.

"I mean maybe it does," he said. "Maybe it does matter."

Okay, this dude needs to learn how to be better with words, especially in serious moments. He's so awkward sometimes. But I can't hold it against him, because I am too. I love that about him, though. Even if it gets annoying at times.

I sat there thinking for a little while. I could tell he was concerned.

You know what? Fuck it.

"I feel that if I didn't, I wouldn't have put myself through all of this and still be here."

That was the scariest thing I've had to do in so long. I can't remember the last time telling a man that I love him. This was huge for me and took so much out of me to even admit. I have a soft spot for him. I can't deny that.

"Well, I think it's time for bed," he said.

What the fuck?! Is this really happening to me right now? I really just pushed him away and that's the last thing I need or want right now.

Tears started forming and a wave of sadness hit. I can't believe this.

"You gonna tell me you love me?" He jokingly said.

"It's not funny, Drew."

"It's not. I'm sorry."

Yeah, whatever. Just go ahead and make this a joke, since you're not the one scared shitless right now. That actually hurt considering the fact that I have been keeping the fact that I loved him for about a month now.

"But, can I be honest with you?" He asked.

"Sure," I said, already terrified of what was next.

"Sure?" He asked.

"Drew, all I ever wanted this entire time was honesty. So yeah, sure."

"I... think," he said.

A long pause awaited us, yet again. My heart is about to bust out of my chest. I didn't know what he was going to say. Even though I would be so happy for him to say it back, I know that's not what it is.

"I think, that..." he mumbled.

Okay, Drew. Spit it out. I have anxiety and this is not the way to tell someone like me, how you feel about them. Come on.

"I feel that, I was really close to that feeling. But, I really really really like you a lot."

Are you serious? My soul was absolutely crushed at this point. What does he mean "was close?" Why did he never say anything?

I was so angry and upset that he let her come between us because we both were falling for each other so fast and clicked so well. He said it himself. We would've been perfect. I still want that, I still want us. But now I don't even know what to make of this.

"Okay..." I said.

"Well, I think it's time for bed." He said, again.

"Okay. Night." I was so upset...

"When can I talk to you again?" He asked.

"I... I don't know, Drew."

"I'll message you tomorrow."

He was so eager to talk to me. Why? Why do you chase after me multiple times? Why are you doing these things to me and letting me believe that there's hope between us? If there is, I'll be okay again. But if there's not, what the fuck is the point in any of this? I was broken, at this point.

I felt so much and nothing at once. I just want him.

"Okay. Night." I said again.

"Goodnight," he said.

He sat there for a while waiting for me to hang up. Tears were so far from pouring down my face, I had to hang up. So, I did.

"What did he mean 'was?'" I mumbled to myself.

That was the last thing I said before I cried myself to sleep.

I was crazy for him and now I think that I've lost my chance at love and happiness. All because of her.

Why does the bad shit always happen to me?