𝗕𝗨𝗜𝗟𝗗-𝗔-𝗕𝗘𝗔𝗥 .. nct（✓）

one.

december, 2016

when he heard the news, he was utterly ecstatic.

johnny had been training hard for years, and now he'd finally proved himself. though he'd missed 127's debut, he and doyoung were joining now, and that was enough for him. he'd finally be able to make music and sing and dance with his brothers. the only problem now was his new dating ban.

he'd have to tell his girlfriend, im jina.

honestly, he was devastated while deciding how he wanted to proceed with his relationship. he knew that doyoung was still dating his girlfriend despite the ban, and johnny applauded them for that. he hadn't been seeing jina as long as doyoung had been with mirim, but that didn't mean he didn't like her.

he really liked her.

but becoming an idol was a dream. he wanted to be focused.

when he told doyoung about the situation, the younger boy had comforted him the best he could. johnny remembered the slightly awkward silence that surrounded the two of them as they thought of what to say to each other. after the many minutes of thick quiet became unbearable, doyoung stood. johnny remembered feeling confused but understanding, especially since they weren't as close back them.

a few, lonely minutes passed before doyoung returned with his hands behind his back. johnny hadn't expected him to return at all. curiosity tugged at the man's chest as he tried to peek past doyoung's shoulders to see what he was hiding.

"hyung, i know you and jina noona are, well, you know..." the boy inhaled quickly to shut himself up and move on. "anyways, i want you to have this."

doyoung pulled his hands forward, and sitting in his grasp was a rather ugly looking teddy bear. johnny furrowed his brows and hesitated before reaching for the bear. "what is it?" he asked, trying to mask the rudeness in his voice. doyoung let a smile tug at his lips as the memory of making the bear popped into his head.

"mirim and i made it a while ago. it's kinda like out kid, i guess." he scratched the back of his neck and glanced around awkwardly as johnny continued to stare at the object in his hands.

honestly, the longer he stared at it, the better it looked. if anything it was kind of... cute. johnny felt himself smile as he flipped it around to examine it. his hand grazed over the little white tag and he almost ripped it off before his eye caught the bold writing on it.

miko.

johnny furrowed his brows as he read the word out loud. "miko? like the raccoon from pocahontas?" doyoung's lips instantly dropped into a frown.

"no, not like pocahontas. i think that's spelled differently, too. it's a japanese name that mirim chose."

when his hyung's raised a questioning brow, doyoung shrugged, "it'll grow on you, i promise."

after hearing about how much the toy meant to the couple, johnny wondered why doyoung gave it to him so easily. so, he decided to just ask. "it seems like this stuffed animal is really important to your girlfriend, so why are you giving it to me?"

doyoung thought for a second before shrugging. "i don't know. she's probably gonna kill me, but it's fine." the younger boy stared off into space before continuing, "i guess it can be a good luck charm. i mean, mirim and i still haven't broken up despite me becoming an idol, so maybe there's hope for you and jina." the uncharacteristically hopeful tone in doyoung's voice made johnny feel slightly uneasy, but he understood that the boy was only trying to help.

johnny gave him the benefit of the doubt and smiled. it was small and rather sad, but it was a smile nonetheless.

the younger boy patted his future bandmate on the shoulder before standing and smoothening his jeans. he glanced back and his hyung once more and nodded his head. "good luck. i hope things work out well in the end."

with that, doyoung left the dorm room and closed the door behind him. once alone, johnny looked down at the bear in his hands. "yeah," he mumbled, "me too."

•

johnny blinked back his tears as he walked back into the dorm.

he'd done it.

he'd broken up with jina.

he remembered the look on her face when he'd said "we need to break up", and his heart ached with pain. she had tried to be a good sport about it-smiling through her own pain and tears to nod as if she understood.

johnny remembered the feeling of her in his arms as he hugged her one last time. she'd made him promise her that he would do his very best.

he thought back to his last moments with her and closed his eyes, sucking in a ragged breath as he tried to keep himself together.

the air was tense and sad the second johnny laid eyes on his girlfriend. it was if she already knew what was going to happen the minute he'd asked to meet up.

johnny had already told her that he was going to debut, and he thought back to how proud she'd been as he walked to her side. she knew he was there, but she didn't look up immediately. it was like she wanted to hold on to the moment a little longer.

hell, so did johnny.

but he knew at some point, time would always catch up.

johnny glanced to the side, and his heart broke. the small girl stood straight as she tried to keep herself together. the effort she put in to appear strong made johnny feel even worse.

he wanted her to cry and yell and be angry at him for breaking up with her over something so stupid. he wanted her to ask, 'if doyoung can do it, why can't you?'

but she didn't. she looked up at him with a smile.

"i want you to live your dream, johnny suh. please don't get mad at yourself for making the right decision. you're making the right choice, i promise you." her voice was soft and it was clear that she was trying just as hard to keep herself together.

she already knew. even before johnny said anything, jina knew.

no matter what she said, johnny felt terrible. he felt like he had dragged her on, letting her believe that they could have a future together despite him being an idol.

johnny took a step towards her and wiped a fallen tear from her cheek before cupping it and pulling her closer. jina placed her head on his chest and the boy rested his head on hers. he wanted to place a kiss in her pretty black hair, but he didn't.

he needed to let go.

they both did.

the boy now had tears dripping down his cheeks as he closed the door to his room and fell heavily onto the bed. he didn't want this. he wanted to be an idol, yes, but he also wanted jina by his side. he told himself that one day when he was able, he'd find her again.

johnny then shook his head.

"i don't want you to waste your life waiting for me."

those were the words he'd told her only minutes ago. he meant them, but they hurt. he had to be strong.

johnny threw his hands over his face as if he was trying to hide from reality. when he did, his elbow hit something soft. the boy's head dropped to the side to find the plushie doyoung's had given him lying peacefully next to him.

he stared at it for many seconds. he stared until his vision blurred and a sob caught in his throat. he then slowly reached for the stuffed animal and pulled it close to his chest, placing his mouth against the blue-grey fur to muffle his crying.

the heartbroken boy laid like that, clutching the bear to his chest until he fell asleep.

• • •

1344 words