Random

Her

I was awake with a jolt; warm tears creating a contrast against my cold face. I had been crying in my sleep again. I could see the black blurred monsters pass through my eyes. And then I was shacking, putting all my concentration on the sound of my heartbeat. I closed my eyes and imagined I was with her; my head on her lap as she whispered sweet words of comfort. Her voice sounded like waking up at noon. She would give me gentle kisses on my forehead reminding me that she was there, that I wasn't alone. She was my escape, my happy place. Her heartbeat with my heartbeat created a symphony; she was the home I knew would never burn.

The love of my life. I constantly wonder how I had survived without her in my life. No, I don't think I know her from a past life. It just feels like I have always known her like she was always there. But she hasn't and that scares me. Before I met her, time seemed to blur together. Nothing mattered. I always used to feel this empty feeling in my chest, like a never-ending darkness. I wiped my face. I wasn't crying anymore. The thought of me with her, her comforting me like she always did, had put my pieces together. Pulling me back from the evil in my own head.

My salvation. She always seems to save me from my darkest times. When I seem to get lost in my thoughts until I completely drown, she is there. When it feels like the only way of ever feeling better is cutting away pieces of myself, she is there. I can't count how many times I had looked at the bottle of pills and wondered what would happen if I just swallowed. If I just let go. All the pain and humiliation I was feeling would be gone. Every feeling would be gone. But she made me want to stay. I wanted to stay so I could see her gleaming eyes and freckled smile. I remembered when she had once- while we were lying on the grass in the spring night, the moon shining confidently and the stars twinkling; the moonlight had made her eyes twinkle brighter and more beautiful than any star- she had taken my hand and placed soft kisses on the fading scars on my wrist. And she hadn't realized how happy it had made me. I knew I was a little damaged, a little not okay. Sometimes I would wake, with her next to me, feeling like my heart had been torn into a million different pieces but had no clue why I was feeling like that. But she was always there, despite my flaws and brokenness.

And she loved me, and I loved her unconditionally. Sometimes, when she told me she loved me, I wouldn't say it back. The words felt insulting to my feelings towards her. So, I would settle for just kissing her, hoping that she would be able to hear, to feel all the million unmade words I wanted to say to her.

We could stay for hours, just lying in her bed, playing with each other's hands or me reading her a book. And the way she would look at me. Like she was trying to look at me enough before I left her. She was scared of all the things I could do to myself. Scared of all the times I had hurt myself and told her about the voices that told me I deserved it. And in those times, when she looked at me like that, I would place my hands on the sides of her soft face and place my lips on hers. And I would feel her melt at my touch as she wrapped her arms around my waist, pulling me impossibly closer.

And when she hugs me when I'm breaking down, the sensation of her delicate hands moving up and down my back as a way of reassurance that she wasn't leaving and the scent of coffee as I nuzzled my face in the bend of her neck; that- that's the feeling that kept me from tipping over the edge and disappearing into the darkness. And I know, when she wears her navy-blue dress and black strappy heels and smells of her favorite perfume, that I will fall in love with her in every life. I know I will fall in love with her in my second life and third and eventually my fourth. Then forever and ever. And I am perfectly okay with that. This was the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. and I didn't doubt for a second that in a million other universes there were other Me's looking at her like I was looking at her.

My everything. I constantly left my mark on her. She was mine and I wanted everyone to know that. No one could make her feel like this but me. No one could touch her like this but me. I remember our first kiss. The feeling of her lips on mine and her body pressed against me had my mind blank but I had kissed her back. The way she played with my hair and bit my lip had me going into a frenzy of butterflies. That feeling of mixed excitement and nervousness I had felt- as she leaned in, her eyes fluttering closed-I still feel it today when she kisses me or even looks at me. I still feel it after all the heated stares and fierce kisses we have shared.
~~~~
So these are just random thoughts
I hope you like them.
Also unedited